{
    "1YOmY-Vjy-o": {
        "begin": "1:04.0",
        "end": "2:11.0",
        "text": "FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW,\nYOU KNOW I SPEND A LOT OF TIME\nRIGHT OVER THERE, PATIENTLY AND\nASTUTELY SCRUTINIZING THE\nBOXWOOD AND MAHOGANY CHESS SET\nOF THE DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES,\nDEVELOPING THE CENTRAL\nHEADLINE-PAWNS, DEFTLY\nMANEUVERING AN OH-SO-TOPICAL\nKNIGHT TO F-6, FEIGNING A\nCLASSIC SICILIAN-NAJDORF\nVARIATION ON THE NEWS, ALL THE\nWHILE, SEEING EIGHT MOVES DEEP\nAND PATIENTLY MARSHALING THE\nLATEST PRESS RELEASES INTO A\nFISCHER SOZIN LIPNITZKY ATTACK\nTHAT CULMINATES IN THE ELEGANT,\nLETHAL, SLOW-PLAYED EN PASSANT\nCHECKMATE THAT IS MY NIGHTLY\nMONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES,\nFOLKS-- I,\nSOMETIMES,\nI STARTLE AWAKE UPSIDE DOWN ON\nTHE MONKEY BARS OF A CONDEMNED\nPLAYGROUND ON A SUPERFUND SITE,\nGET ALL HEPPED UP ON GOOFBALLS,\nRUMMAGE THROUGH A DISCARDED TAG\nBAG OF DEFECTIVE TOYS, YANK\nOUT A FISTFUL OF DISEMBODIED\nDOLL LIMBS, TOSS THEM ON A\nSTAINED KID'S PLACEMAT FROM A\nDEFUNCT DENNY'S, SET UP A TABLE\nINSIDE A RUSTY CARGO CONTAINER\nDOWN BY THE WHARF, AND CHALLENGE\nTOOTHLESS DRIFTERS TO THE\nGODLESS BUGHOUSE BLITZ\nOF TOURNAMENT OF NEWS THAT IS MY\nSEGMENT:\nMEANWHILE!\n"
    },
    "3P_XnxdlXu0": {
        "begin": "2:08.3",
        "end": "3:02.3",
        "text": "FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME\nRIGHT OVER THERE, NIGHT AFTER NIGHT ACTUALLY, CAREFULLY\nSELECTING FOR YOU THE DAY'S NEWSIEST,\nMOST AERODYNAMIC HEADLINES,\nSTRESS TESTING THE MOST TOPICAL\nANTILOCK BRAKES AND POWER\nSTEERING, PAINSTAKINGLY\nSTITCHING LEATHER SEATING SO\nSOFT, IT WOULD MAKE J.D. POWER\nAND HER ASSOCIATES BLUSH, TO\nCREATE THE LUXURY SEDAN THAT IS\nMY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES,\nFOLKS, I LURCH TO CONSCIOUSNESS\nIN THE BACK OF AN ABANDONED\nSCHOOL BUS AND SLAP MYSELF AWAKE\nWITH A CRUSTY FLOOR MAT BEFORE\nUSING A MOUSE-BITTEN TIMING BELT\nTO STRAP SOME OLD PLYWOOD TO A\nCOUPLE OF DISCARDED OIL DRUMS.\nTHEN, BY THE LIGHT OF A HEATHEN\nMOON, RENDER A GAS TANK OUT OF\nAN EMPTY BIG GULP, FILL IT WITH\nWHITE CLAW AND DENATURED\nALCOHOL, THEN LIGHT A MATCH AND\nLET HER RIP, IN THE DEMENTED\nONE-MAN SOAP BOX DERBY OF NEWS\nTHAT IS MY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE!"
    },
    "3elIlQzJEQ0": {
        "begin": "1:08.5",
        "end": "1:58.5",
        "text": "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU KNOW, I SPEND A\nLOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE,\nRAISING THE FINEST HOLSTEIN NEWS\nCATTLE, FIRMLY, YET TENDERLY,\nMILKING THE LATEST HEADLINES\nFROM THEIR JOKE-SWOLLEN TEATS,\nCHURNING THE DAILY STORIES INTO\nTHE DECADENT, PROVENCAL-STYLE\nTRIPLE CREME BRIE THAT IS MY\nNIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS,\nI STAGGER HOME HUNGRY AFTER\nBEING RELEASED BY THE POLICE,\nAND ROOT AROUND IN THE NEIGHBOR'S\nTRASH CAN FOR AN OLD MILK\nCARTON, SCRAPE OUT THE BLOOMING\nDAIRY RESIDUE ONTO THE REMAINS\nOF A WET CHEESE RIND I WON\nFROM A RAT IN A PRE-DAWN STREET\nFIGHT, PUT IT IN A DISCARDED\nPAINT CAN, AND LEAVE IT TO\nFERMENT NEXT TO A TRASH FIRE,\nTHEN HUNKER DOWN AND HALLUCINATE\nWHILE EATING THE LISTERIA-LADEN\nDEMON CUSTARD OF NEWS THAT IS\nMY SEGMENT: MEANWHILE!"
    },
    "43P4q1KGKEU": {
        "begin": "0:29.3",
        "end": "1:58.3",
        "text": "FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST\nOF MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE.\nCAREFULLY SORTING THROUGH THE\nDAY'S BIGGEST STORIES, AND\nSELECTING ONLY THE MOST\nSUPPLE AND UNBLEMISHED OSTRICH\nAND CROCODILE NEWS LEATHER,\nWHICH I THEN ENTRUST TO ARTISAN\nGRADUATES OF THE \"ECOLE\nGREGOIRE-FERRANDI,\" WHO\nCAREFULLY DYE THEM IN A PALETTE\nOF BRIGHT, ZESTY SHADES, AND\nADORN THEM WITH THE FINEST, MOST\nTOPICAL INLAY WORK USING HAND\nTOOLS AND DOUBLE MAGNIFYING\nGLASSES, THEN ASSEMBLE THEM\nACCORDING TO NOW CLASSIC AND\nELEGANT GEOMETRY USING OUR\nSIGNATURE SADDLE STITCHING, AND\nLINE IT WITH BEESWAX-COATED\nLINEN, AND FINALLY ATTACH A\nMALLET-HAMMERED STRAP, PEARLED\nHARDWARE, AND A CLOCHETTE TO\nCREATE FOR YOU THE ONE-OF-A-KIND\nHAUTE COUTURE HERMES BIRKIN BAG\nTHAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS,\nSOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I WAKE UP IN THE\nLAST CAR OF AN ABANDONED ROLLER\nCOASTER AT CONEY ISLAND, WHERE\nI'M HIDING FROM THE TRIADS, I\nHUFF SOME ENGINE LUBRICANTS OUT\nOF A SAFEWAY BAG AND STAGGER\nDOWN THE SHORE TO TEAR THE SAIL\nOFF A BEACHED SCHOONER, THEN I\nRIP THE CO-AXIAL CABLE OUT OF\nTHE R.V. OF AN ELDERLY COUPLE\nFROM UTAH, HANK AND MABEL,\nLOVELY FOLKS, AND USE IT TO\nSTITCH THE SAIL INTO A LOOSE,\nPOUCH-LIKE RUCKSACK, THEN I\nSTOW AWAY IN THE BACK OF A\nGARBAGE TRUCK TO THE JUNK YARD\nWHERE I PICK THROUGH THE DEBRIS\nFOR ONLY THE BROKEN TOYS THAT\nMAKE ME THE SADDEST UNTIL I HAVE\nLOADED, FOR YOU, THE HOBO\nFUGITIVE'S BUG-OUT BINDLE OF\nNEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:\nMEANWHILE!"
    },
    "4ktyaJkLMfo": {
        "begin": "0:42.5",
        "end": "1:26.5",
        "text": "YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT\nOF TIME CRAFTING FOR YOU A\nBESPOKE PLAYLIST OF THE DAY'S\nBIGGEST STORIES, RIGHT OVER THERE, METICULOUSLY\nSELECTING THE MOST TOPICAL\nCHAKRA-AFFIRMING SCENTED\nCANDLES, AND USING FENG SHUI TO\nPERFECTLY ALIGN THE JOKE ENERGY\nIN THE EXCLUSIVE BOUTIQUE YOGA\nRETREAT THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES,\nI GO TO THE DUMPSTER BEHIND THE\nWAFFLE HOUSE AT 3:00 IN THE\nMORNING, TAKE OFF MY SHIRT,\nCOVER MYSELF IN USED FRY OIL,\nWRAP MY HANDS IN SOME OLD DUCT\nTAPE I STOLE FROM A BROKEN CAR\nWINDOW, THEN POUND A SIX-PACK OF\nBLUEBERRY HARD SELTZER AND A\nSACK OF PILLS I STOLE FROM A\nPARKED AMBULANCE, THEN\nARM-WRESTLE A RACCOON IN THE\nBACK ALLEY VISION QUEST OF NEWS\nTHAT IS MY SEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE!\""
    },
    "5Dsh9AgqRG0": {
        "begin": "1:06.0",
        "end": "2:34.0",
        "text": "YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF\nMY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, MINING\nTHE DAY'S BIGGEST, MOST\nIMPORTANT STORIES, COLLECTING\nTHE FINEST, MOST TOPICAL IRON\nORE, HAND HAMMERING IT INTO JOKE\nPANELS.\nTHEN I CRAFT SHEETS OF BRONZE\nEMBLAZONED WITH PATTERNS THAT\nTELL AN EPIC TALE OF CONQUEST\nAND GLORY.\nTHEN, USING THE GERMANIC\nTRADITIONAL PRESSBLECH\nPROCESS, I PLACE THIN SHEETS OF\nFOIL AGAINST THE SCENES, AND BY\nHAMMERING OR OTHERWISE,\nAPPLYING PRESSURE FROM THE BACK,\nI PROJECT THESE SCENES INTO A\nPAIR OF CHEEK GUARDS AND A\nFACEPLATE.\nAND, FINALLY, USING FLUTED\nSTRIPS OF WHITE ALLOYED\nMOULDING, I DIVIDE THE DESIGNS\nINTO FRAMED PANELS AND HOLD IT\nALL TOGETHER USING BRONZE RIVETS\nTO CREATE THE BEAUTIFUL AND\nINTIMIDATING ANGLO-SAXON\nBATTLE HELM THAT IS MY\nNIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS,\nSOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, I COME TO MY SENSES FULLY NAKED\nON THE DECK OF A PIRATE-BESIEGED\nMELEE CONTAINER SHIP THAT PICKED\nME UP FLOATING ON THE DETACHED\nDOOR OF A PORT-A-POTTY IN THE\nINDIAN OCEAN.\nTHEN, AFTER A SUNSTROKE-INDUCED\nREALIZATION THAT THE CREW OF\nTHIS SHIP PLANS TO SELL ME IN\nEXCHANGE FOR A BAG OF ORANGES TO\nFIGHT OFF SCURVY, I LEAD A\nMUTINY USING ONLY A P.V.C. PIPE\nAND A POOL CHAIN.\nTHEN, ACCEPTING MY NEW ROLE AS\nCAPTAIN, AND DECLARING MYSELF\nKING OF THE WINE-DARK SEAS, I\nGRAB A DIRTY MOP BUCKET COVERED\nIN BARNACLES AND ADORN IT WITH\nTHE TEETH OF THE VANQUISHED, TO\nCREATE THE SOPPING WET PIRATE\nCROWN OF NEWS THAT IS MY\nSEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE!\" "
    },
    "748OyesQy84": {
        "begin": "0:40.0",
        "end": "1:41.0",
        "text": "FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW, I SPEND MOST OF\nMY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE,\nCAREFULLY BLENDING FOR YOU THE\nDAY'S NEWSIEST, MOST TOPICAL\nFLOUR, EGGS, MILK, AND BUTTER,\nAND STRAINING IT INTO A FINE\nBATTER TO MAKE DELICATE, YET\nINFORMATIVE COMEDY PANCAKES.\nTHEN I GLAZE THEM IN THE JUICE\nAND ZEST OF THE MOST RELEVANT\nMIDNIGHT VALENCIA ORANGES, AND\nDOUSE IT ALL IN A FINE DELAMAIN\nDE VOYAGE COGNAC, BEFORE\nFLAMBEING AND BASTING THEM TABLE\nSIDE, TO SERVE FOR YOU THE JAMES\nBEARD AWARD-WORTHY CREPES\nSUZETTE THAT IS MY NIGHTLY,\nMONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES FOLKS, I WAKE UP IN THE\nBAGGAGE HOLD OF A GREYHOUND BUS\nAS ITS BEING HOISTED BY THE\nSCRAPYARD CLAW TOWARD THE BURN\nPIT, ESCAPE TO A NEARBY\nABANDONED PRICE CHOPPER, WHERE I\nSCROUNGE FOR OLD BREAD SCRAPS,\nBUSTED OPEN BAGS OF STAR FRUIT\nCANDIES, AND EXPIRED EGGS,\nCHUCK IT ALL IN A DIRTY HUBCAP\nAND SLAP IT OVER A TIRE FIRE\nBEFORE USING THE LEGS OF A\nSTAINED PAIR OF SWEATPANTS AS\nOVEN MITTS TO EXTRACT AND SERVE\nTHE DEMENTED TRANSIENT'S POUND\nCAKE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE.\""
    },
    "8prs9Pq5Xhk": {
        "begin": "1:18.5",
        "end": "2:17.5",
        "text": "FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW,\nAND I HOPE YOU DO, I SPEND A\nLOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE,\nTIRELESSLY STUDYING THE LINEAGE\nOF THE DAY'S MOST IMPORTANT\nTHOROUGHBRED STORIES AND\nHOLSTEINER HEADLINES, WORKING\nWITH THE BEST TRAINERS MONEY CAN\nBUY TO REAR THEIR COMEDY\nOFFSPRING WITH A HAND THAT IS\nSTERN, YET GENTLE, INTO THE\nTRIPLE-CROWN-WINNING EQUINE\nSPECIMEN THAT IS MY NIGHTLY\nMONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS\nI BREAK INTO AN UNINCORPORATED\nVETERINARY GENETICS LAB AND GRAB\nWHATEVER TEST TUBES I CAN FIND.\nAND THEN, UNDER A GROW LIGHT I GOT\nFROM A DISCARDED CHIA PET, I MIX\nTHE PILFERED D.N.A. OF A HORSE\nAND WHATEVER WAS IN A TUBE\nLABELED \"KEITH-COLON-EXTRA,\"\nSLURRYING THE CONCOCTION WITH\nCAFFEINE PILLS AND A MICROWAVED\nRED BULL, I SCREAM-SING A PRAYER\nTO JANUS, INITIATOR OF HUMAN\nLIFE AND GOD OF TRANSFORMATION\nAS A HALF-HORSE, HALF-MAN FREAK,\nSEIZES TO LIFE BEFORE ME IN THE\nHIDEOUS COLLECTION OF LOOSE\nANIMAL PARTS AND CORRUPTED MAN\nTISSUE THAT IS MY SEGMENT:\nMEANWHILE!"
    },
    "9gX4kdFajqE": {
        "begin": "0:44.0",
        "end": "1:08.0",
        "text": "FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW,\nYOU KNOW SOMETIMES I'M OVER\nTHERE DOING THE MONOLOGUE.\nAND THEN THERE'S A COMMERCIAL\nBREAK, AND THEN I'M SITTING\nHERE.\nAND I DO A REALLY LONG\nDESCRIPTION OF A DIFFERENT\nSEGMENT ON THE SHOW, A SEGMENT\nWE CALL... \"MEANWHILE!\""
    },
    "9ssGpE9oem8": {
        "begin": "0:00.0",
        "end": "0:58.0",
        "text": "WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.\nYOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF\nMY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE,\nCOMBING OVER THE DAY'S NEWS,\nSELECTING ONLY THE HIGHEST\nQUALITY AND MOST TOPICAL BONDED\nCALFSKIN-LEATHER STORIES,\nCAREFULLY TANNING THEM AND CUTTING\nTHEM WITH MILLIMETER PRECISION,\nTHEN WEAVING IT TOGETHER IN\nA DOUBLE-FACED INTRECCIATO\nPATTERN TO CREATE FOR YOU THE\nEXQUISITE BOTTEGA VENETA CLUTCH\nTHAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, WHILE AT A RAVE\nIN A CONDEMNED CEMENT FACTORY, I\nGET INJECTED WITH A MYSTERY\nCOCKTAIL OF HALLUCINOGENS AND\nPAINT SOLVENTS, THEN, OBEYING\nTHE VOICES WHO WILL STEAL MY\nTEETH IF I DON'T, I STUMBLE INTO\nA SHIPYARD WHERE I RIP THE\nCANVAS TARP FROM A GRAVEL TRUCK,\nAND TIE IT OFF WITH THE ROPE FROM A\nROTTING FISHING NET, THEN WANDER\nA FOOD COURT, FILLING IT WITH\nWHAT I THINK ARE GOLD COINS BUT\nARE, IN FACT, OTHER PEOPLE'S CAR\nKEYS, TO DRAG AROUND THE\nROOTLESS TRANSIENT'S CLUSTER\nSACK OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE!\""
    },
    "ARw4K9BRCAE": {
        "begin": "0:26.0",
        "end": "1:16.0",
        "text": "YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND\nMOST OF MY TIME STANDING RIGHT OVER\nTHERE,\nGOING OVER THE DAY'S NEWS\nAND SELECTING THE FINEST,\nMOST\nTOPICAL CARBON FIBER\nSTORIES, SHAPING THEM IN DRY\nDOCK INTO A\nSLEEK AND SEXY HULL, KITTING\nIT OUT WITH THE MOST TOPICAL\nFIBERGLASS AND TEAK FITTINGS\nBRASS RAILINGS, HOT TUBS,\nAND\nNEWS HELIPADS, TO CREATE THE\nCUSTOM DESIGNED, GLEAMING\nMEGA-YACHT THAT IS MY NIGHTLY\nMONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES FOLKS, I\nWASH ASHORE AT\nAN ABANDONED BEACH RESORT\nAFTER A NIGHT OF BATH SALTS\nAND\nSCOPOLAMINE, LASH SOME\nROTTING PICNIC TABLES\nTOGETHER, THEN\nDREDGE THE NEWS POND TO\nHAUL UP WHATEVER DISCARDED\nTRICYCLES AND BROKEN\nFRISBEES I CAN FIND, STEAL\nAN EYE PATCH\nFROM A HOBO, STAPLE A DEAD\nPIGEON TO MY SHOULDER, AND\nSAIL\nINTO INTERNATIONAL WATERS\nON THE PIRATE GARBAGE SCOW\nOF\nNEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:\nMEANWHILE!"
    },
    "B1DRmrOlKtY": {
        "begin": "1:34.0",
        "end": "2:17.0",
        "text": "FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME\nSTANDING RIGHT OVER THERE, OKAY,\nHANDPICKING ONLY THE RIPEST\nMOST TOPICAL DAILY HEADLINES,\nSEEKING OUT THE SWEETEST, MOST\nREFINED OF JEST-JAMS AND\nJOKE-JELLIES, CURATING A PLATE\nOF LOCAL COMEDY-FED MEATS AND\nSATIRICAL CHEESES TO LAY OUT THE\nARTISANAL CHARCUTERIE BOARD\nA-NEWS BOUCHE THAT IS MY NIGHTLY\nMONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, I WAKE UP IN THE\nGREASE TRAP OF AN\nUNLICENSED SLAUGHTERHOUSE,\nSPLASH MY FACE WITH SOME BEEF TALLOW,\nRENDER A RUDIMENTARY PRESERVE\nFROM BONE MARROW AND MELTED\nGUMMY WORMS, AND THROW IT\nTOGETHER WITH SOME SWEETBREADS\nAND TRIPE TO PRESENT THE\nPLOWMAN'S PLATTER OF UNCLAIMED\nOFFAL THAT IS MY SEGMENT:\nMEANWHILE!"
    },
    "BT950jqCCUY": {
        "begin": "1:00.0",
        "end": "2:09.0",
        "text": "YOU KNOW, FOLKS,\nI SPEND SO MUCH OF MY TIME RIGHT\nOVER THERE, SIFTING THROUGH THE\nDAY'S BIGGEST STORIES, HAND\nSELECTING ONLY THE FINEST, MOST\nPERFECTLY AGED BURMESE NEWS\nTEAK.\nTHEN CAREFULLY CARVING AND\nSHAPING IT INTO A REFINED\nBUDDHA, DEPICTED IN THE \"CALLING\nTHE EARTH TO WITNESS\" GESTURE,\nWITH CHARACTERISTIC CIRCULAR\nPATTERNS ON THE ROBE, SHINS, AND\nKNEES, OF COURSE, WHICH I\nTHEN CAREFULLY GILD WITH THE\nMOST TOPICAL GOLD LEAF.\nTHEN I HARVEST THE SAP OF A\nUSITATA TREE TO APPLY THE DELICATE\nTAI O LACQUER, AND FINALLY HAND\nDECORATE IT WITH THE WHITE GLASS\nINLAYS TO CREATE FOR YOU THE\nGLORIOUS AMARA-PURA PERIOD\nSCULPTURE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES FOLKS,\nI WASH UP ON A GALVESTON\nBEACH, NAKED ON A RAFT OF GAS\nCANS AFTER ESCAPING FROM A FIGHT CLUB\nIN INTERNATIONAL WATERS.\nTHEN, STILL DERANGED ON A\nCOCKTAIL OF MESCALINE AND COUGH\nSYRUP, I STEAL A CINDER BLOCK\nFROM UNDER A STRIPPED '87 FORD\nTAURUS,  AND CHIP AWAY AT IT\nWITH A BROKEN UMBRELLA HANDLE I\nSCAVENGED FROM A GOODWILL\nDUMPSTER UNTIL IT VAGUELY\nRESEMBLES THE HUNGERING WOLF\nTHAT SCRATCHES AT THE DOOR\nOF MY DREAMS AND PRESENT TO YOU\nTHE TORMENTED DREAD-EFFIGY OF\nNEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:\nMEANWHILE!"
    },
    "C0e8XM30tQI": {
        "begin": "0:57.0",
        "end": "2:40.0",
        "text": "YOU KNOW, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU'RE AWARE THAT I SPEND MOST OF\nMY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE,\nWANDERING THE NEWS FOREST FOR\nYOU, FELLING ONLY THE BIGGEST\nAND HEARTIEST WHITE STORY OAKS,\nCUTTING AND SHAPING THEM INTO\nTHE NEWSIEST, MOST TOPICAL\nCLEATS, CLAMPS AND PLANKS,\nKEEPING THEM AT A CONSTANT\nANGLE, GRADUALLY CREATING A\nSHELL-SHAPED, SHALLOW BOWL HULL\nUSING THE FIRE-BENDING TECHNIQUE\nINSTEAD OF STEAM-BENDING\nOBVIOUSLY.\nTHEN I LAY OUT ALL THE KEEL\nBLOCKS TO CAREFULLY SET UP THE\nSTEM, STERN AND, GARBOARD,\nATTACH THE BILGE FUTTOCKS TO THE\nTIMBER AND LOVINGLY CRAFT A FLAT\nTRANSOM STERN OUT OF\nNATURALLY-CURVED QUARTER\nCIRCLES.\nTHEN SECURE ALL THE PLANKS WITH\nTRUNNELS HANDMADE FROM THE\nFINEST LOCUST WOOD AND, FINALLY,\nADORN IT WITH A PROUD BOWSPRIT,\nFOREPEAK, AND CUSTOM GILDED\nFIGUREHEAD TO PRESENT TO YOU THE\nDUTCH GOLDEN AGE \"SPIEGEL-JACHT\"\nTHAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES,\nFOLKS-- YOU GOT TO HYDRATE\nAFTER THAT.\n\"SPIEGEL-JACHT\"\nBUT SOMETIMES, I\nAWAKEN FROM A MEAT-SWEAT-\nINDUCED FEVER STRAPPED TO A\nBASKET ON THE WONDER WHEEL AT\nCONEY ISLAND, STUMBLE ACROSS THE\nGARBAGE-FLECKED BEACH TO THE\nSOUND OF A TERRIFYING RAGGED\nBELLOW I REALIZE IS COMING FROM\nMY OWN LUNGS, WHICH THEN SUMMONS AN\nARMY OF SEAGULLS WHOM I INSTRUCT\nTO GATHER THE HALF-EMPTIED CANS\nOF BUSCH LIGHT LEFT BY A MOB OF\nBELGIAN TOURISTS, ALL OF WHICH\nI GATHER INTO A SACK I FASHIONED\nOUT OF PANTS I STOLE FROM A\nSLEEPING COP. THEN I SWIPE A\nGIANT INFLATABLE BABY YODA FROM\nA CARNY GAME, STRAP IT TO THE\nMAST I MADE BY RIPPING A B-68\nBUS STOP SIGN OUT OF THE GROUND\nON THE CORNER OF STILLWELL, AND\nLAUNCH THE VESSEL AS CAPTAIN OF\nTHE UNREGULATED PIRATE BOOZE\nCRUISE OF NEWS THAT IS MY\nSEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE\"!"
    },
    "CKsASCGr_4A": {
        "begin": "1:48.3",
        "end": "2:37.3",
        "text": "FOLKS, YOU  KNOW, I SPEND A LOT\nOF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, CARVING THE\nFINEST, MOST-TOPICAL JAPANESE\nNEWS CYPRESS INTO AN EXPRESSIVE\nHANNYA DEMON MASK, DONNING MY\nBLACK AND GOLD SHOZOKU ROBES\nMADE OF THE SMOOTHEST STORY\nSILK, AND MASTERING THE ELABORATE\nCHOREOGRAPHY OF STILLNESS AND\nMOVEMENT, TO CREATE THE JAPANESE\nNOH THEATER PRODUCTION THAT IS\nMY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES,\nFOLKS, I ENTER A FUGUE STATE IN\nTHE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, SIPHON\nA BUCKETFUL OF GASOLINE OUT OF MY\nNEIGHBOR'S MAZDA, RUN BAREFOOT\nFROM MY HOUSE TO A HOVEL UNDER\nTHE TURNPIKE WHERE I ASK A HOBO\nFOR A LIGHT AND SET A GARBAGE\nCAN ABLAZE, THEN PLACE MY\nFROSTBITTEN HANDS IN FRONT OF\nTHE DUMPSTER TO PROJECT THE\nSHADOW PUPPET WINO OPERA OF NEWS\nTHAT IS MY SEGMENT, \"MEANWHILE.\""
    },
    "DSc26qAJp_g": {
        "begin": "0:28.0",
        "end": "1:46.0",
        "text": "FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME\nRIGHT OVER THERE, ASSEMBLING THE\nDAY'S BIGGEST, MOST-IMPORTANT\nSTORIES, THEN HAND-SHAPING THEM\nINTO SLEEK, ELEGANT BODYWORK,\nWHICH I LINE WITH ONLY THE\nFINEST, MOST TOPICAL POLISHED\nMACASSAR EBONY AND OPEN-PORE\nPALDAO VENEER, ADDING LIGHT\nMOCCASIN AND DARK SPICE LEATHER\nSEATS, AND MALABAR TEAK WOOD TO\nSET OFF A SCULPTED MINIMALIST\nSWITCHGEAR, ACCOMPANIED BY A\nSTERLING SILVER HUMIDOR AND\nCHAMPAGNE CELLARETTE, THEN\nHAND-SET 1,600 FIBER OPTIC\nLIGHTS ALIGNED WITH PINPOINT\nPERFORATIONS IN THE ROOF-LINING,\nTO CREATE FOR YOU THE BESPOKE\nCOACH BUILT ROLLS-ROYCE SWEPTAIL\nTHAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS,\nSOMETIMES, I JUST, I JUST SHRIEK AWAKE IN THE\nSCRAPYARD OF A DERELICT MACHINE\nSHOP, SCAVENGE A\n3.6-HORSEPOWER BRIGGS AND STRATTON\nLAWN MOWER ENGINE, BULLY A\nDOG INTO GIVING ME ITS FRISBEE\nTO USE AS A STEERING WHEEL, THEN\nI BRIEFLY CONSIDER-- BUT DECIDE\nAGAINST-- SWIPING THE BRAKE PADS\nOFF AN UNATTENDED HEARSE,\nBECAUSE WHERE I'M GOING, WE DON'T\nNEED BRAKES.\nI HOOK IT ALL UP TO A RUSTY\nDOLLAR TREE SHOPPING CART,\nSHOTGUN A WHITE CLAW, NO LAW ON THE CLAW, SPRAY\nPAINT MY TEETH, AND BLAST OFF IN\nTHE \"FURY ROAD\" THUG-BUGGY OF\nNEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE\"!"
    },
    "DhuCyncmFgM": {
        "begin": "0:43.5",
        "end": "1:30.5",
        "text": "YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I\nSPEND A LOT OF TIME STANDING RIGHT\nOVER THERE, COMBING THROUGH\nTHE DAY'S\nSTORIES TO FIND AND ERECT\nFOR YOU THE FINEST GRECIAN\nNEWS\nCOLUMNS, ADORNING THEM WITH\nTHE MOST UP-TO-THE-MINUTE\nBAS-RELIEF.\nAND THEN I IMPART MY MOST\nTOPICAL\nTEACHINGS TO BE ABSORBED BY\nEAGER, SPONGE-LIKE\nMINDS IN THE\nAUGUST ATHENIAN ACADEMY THAT\nIS MY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, JUST\nSOMETIMES, FOLKS, I COME TO IN A\nDRIED-OUT BABY POOL\nON AN ABANDONED RANCH I WON\nIN A RUSSIAN ROULETTE GAME\nOFF THE COAST OF MOZAMBIQUE\nI GATHER TUMBLEWEEDS\nAND I LASH THEM TOGETHER WITH\nSOME TWINE I FOUND IN A DUMPSTER\nBY A BURNED-OUT REST STOP,\nTHEN I\nSHOTGUN A HOT MONSTER ENERGY\nDRINK AND CHEW ON MACA ROOT\nAS I\nHALLUCINATE THROUGH THE\nNIGHT IN THE VAGRANT'S HOT\n-BOX YURT OF\nNEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:\n\"MEANWILE!\""
    },
    "EnGHyZS4f-8": {
        "begin": "1:33.0",
        "end": "2:12.0",
        "text": "YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I'VE SPENT\nDECADES CULTIVATING THE MOST\nRELEVANT RED OAK, FELLING THEM\nWITH TOPICAL HUSQVARNAS,\nMULTIGRADING THEM INTO THE MOST\nBUZZWORTHY THREE-QUARTER INCH\nFLOORSTRIPS, AND FINISHING THEM\nWITH UP-TO-THE-MINUTE HIGH-GLOSS\nPOLYURETHANE, TO LAY FOR YOU THE\nFLAWLESS PARQUET N.B.A.-QUALITY\nBASKETBALL COURT THAT IS MY\nNIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, I SCARE THE GEESE\nOUT OF THE BOG BEHIND MY UNCLE'S\nSHED, FILL IT WITH SAND I STOLE\nFROM AN ABANDONED PLAYGROUND,\nTHEN BLANKET IT WITH WET TRASH\nAND DISCARDED AMAZON BOXES, TO\nCREATE FOR YOU THE\nMUSKRAT-RIDDLED BOUNCELESS\nBACKYARD WALLBALL PIT OF NEWS\nTHAT IS MY SEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE!\""
    },
    "G8ajua4Mb5I": {
        "begin": "1:39.0",
        "end": "2:24.0",
        "text": "YOU KNOW, FOLKS,\nIF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW AND I\nHOPE YOU DO,\nI SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER\nTHERE, CAREFULLY ERECTING THE\nNEWSIEST, MOST TOPICAL\nCORINTHIAN COLUMNS, FOLLOWING\nTHE GOLDEN RATIO, POLISHING THE\nFINEST CARRARA MARBLE, AND\nENGRAVING ONTO IT MYTHIC TALES\nWITH FLOURISHES OF HUMOR AND\nPATHOS, TO CREATE THE\nGRECO-ROMAN ACROPOLIS THAT IS MY\nNIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS,\nI GRAB A COUPLE OF OFF-BRAND\nLEGOS THAT HAVE BEEN JAMMED\nBETWEEN MY TOES SINCE I STEPPED\nON THEM IN 2003, FISH THE STICKS\nOUT OF SOME MELTED POPSICLES IN\nA BROKEN FREEZER, COLLECT THE\nPRE-SOAKED SAND FROM A\nPLAYGROUND I BROKE INTO IN THE\nDEAD OF NIGHT, AND THROW IT ALL\nTOGETHER TO CONSTRUCT FOR YOU\nTHE RAMSHACKLE PARTHENON OF NEWS\nTHAT IS MY SEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE!\""
    },
    "I4s-44cPYVE": {
        "begin": "1:10.0",
        "end": "2:59.0",
        "text": "FOLKS, YOU KNOW, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW, I SPEND\nMOST OF MY TIME\nRIGHT OVER THERE, SURVEYING THE\nNEWS MARKET FOR THE\nBIGGEST STORIES, THEN CAREFULLY\nSELECTING THE FINEST, MOST\nTOPICAL BUFFALO NEWS HIDE WHICH\nI THEN SOAK USING NATURAL SPRING\nAND LIMEWATER-- ONLY DURING\nCOLDER MONTHS-- AND SCRAPE IT\nUNTIL IT IS EVENLY TRANSLUCENT\nAND SUPPLE.\nAND THEN, USING THE TRADITIONAL\nPUSH-KNIFE METHOD, I DELICATELY\nMAKE MORE THAN 3,000 CUTS TO\nCREATE THE EMOTIVE AND POWERFUL\nFIGURINE WHICH I DECORATE WITH\nGRADATIONS AND CONTRAST,\nEMPLOYING THE SHAANXI REGION\nFIVE-COLOR SYSTEM.\nTHEN I CAREFULLY CONNECT THE\nFIGURINE'S JOINTS WITH COTTON\nTHREADS SO THEY CAN BE OPERATED\nFREELY, AND FIRE UP A PAPER\nLANTERN BEHIND A FINE HUANGZHOU\nSILK SCREEN, AND, BACKED BY A\nSUONA HORN, AND YUEQIN, AND\nBANHU FIDDLE, I OPERATE NO LESS\nTHAN FIVE OF THESE FIGURINES AT\nONCE, BECOMING THE LIVING\nEMBODIMENT OF THE 1,000-HAND\nGWAN-YIN, TO MOUNT FOR YOU THE\nEPIC AND MOVING TONG DYNASTY\nPI-YING SHADOW PLAY THAT IS MY\nNIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, FOLKS,\nSOMETIMES,\nIT'S CRAFTSMANSHIP.\nIT GOES LIKE THAT, RIGHT\nTHERE.\nSOMETIMES, FOLKS,\nI AM PECKED\nAWAKE BY A DIRTY SEAGULL ON THE\nINTRACOASTAL WATERWAY, WHILE\nSTILL LYING ON THE BACK OF A\nMANATEE WHO RESCUED ME FROM SOME\nARMS DEALERS I DOUBLE-CROSSED\nOFF THE COAST OF CAPE FEAR, AND WHO THEN\nDUMPS ME ON AN ABANDONED WHARF\nWHERE I SLIP THEIR DIRTY SOCK OFF\nA SEVERED FOOT I FISHED OUT OF A\nSTORM DRAIN, AND SLAP GOOGLY\nEYES ON IT MADE FROM TWO MENTOS\nI PRIED OUT OF THE MOUTH OF A\nMANGY COYOTE.\nTHEN I FASHION A KAZOO OUT OF A\nPOCKET COMB I STOLE FROM A\nFISHERMAN AND THE WAX PAPER FROM\nHIS MEATBALL SUB, TO HONK OUT A\nDIRGE WHILE YAMMERING A TONE\nPOEM ABOUT THE DEMONS INFESTING\nMY BEARD IN THE UNBALANCED MANIC\nSOCK PUPPET SHOW OF NEWS THAT IS\nMY SEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE!\""
    },
    "JAfAApqOeFU": {
        "begin": "1:49.5",
        "end": "2:42.5",
        "text": "FOLKS.\nI SPEND A LOT OF MY TIME GATHERING FOR YOU\nTHE FINEST, MOST TOPICAL STORIES\nABOUT NATIONAL STUDIES,\nSCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGHS, AND\nDRUNK MOOSE BREAKING INTO ICE\nCREAM SHOPS, ONLY TO HAVE A\nPANDEMIC HIT, DURING WHICH I\nTAKE THEM INTO A SAD, EMPTY\nLITTLE ROOM WHERE MY ONLY\nFRIENDS ARE ROBOT CAMERAS AND A\nPURELL BOTTLE, AND I LET MYSELF\nGO WHILE SLOWLY DESCENDING INTO\nMADNESS AS I SHOVE MY SWEET\nINNOCENT LITTLE JOKES INTO A\nSEGMENT THAT I AM FORCED TO\nRENAME \"QUARANTINE-WHILE.\"\nBUT SOMETIMES, I CRAWL OUT OF\nTHE BROOM CLOSET AFTER 15\nMONTHS, POUR MYSELF BACK INTO A\nSUIT, ASSEMBLE THE TOP TEAM IN\nTHE BUSINESS, THE SWINGINGEST\nBAND IN LATE NIGHT, AND THE\nBEST DAMN AUDIENCE IN THE WORLD.\nSO I CAN RETURN TO YOUR LOVING\nARMS IN THE KICK-ASS,\nPROPERLY-PRESENTED\nCELEBRATION OF MARGINAL NEWS\nTHAT IS MY SEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE!\""
    },
    "JfT59wBSQME": {
        "begin": "0:52.0",
        "end": "1:37.0",
        "text": "YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND A\nLOT OF TIME HARVESTING THE DAY'S\nMOST TOPICAL MATCHA POWDER,\nCAREFULLY POLISHING THE NEWSIEST\nCHAWAN TEA BOWL WITH A HEMP\nCLOTH, AND ADDING THE PUREST\nBOILED WATER COLLECTED FROM THE\nRIVER OF STORIES, TO STAGE THE\nELEGANT JAPANESE TEA CEREMONY\nTHAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, I CONVINCE A\nTRUCK DRIVER TO GIVE ME A RIDE\nIN EXCHANGE FOR AN UNREGISTERED\nHAND GUN AND A HALF-EATEN CAN OF\nBEANS, HITCHHIKE TO THE SONORA\nDESERT WITH NOTHING BUT AN OLD\nPOT THAT I FILL WITH THE\nNEWSPAPER I'VE BEEN USING FOR A\nBLANKET, AND THE SALVAGED\nTOBACCO FROM A SIDEWALK CIGARETTE\nBUTT, TO BREW FOR YOU, THE\nNIGHTMARE HALLUCINATION-INDUCING\nFERMENTED AYAHUASCA SLURRY OF\nNEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:\nMEANWHILE!"
    },
    "KT8pCZ5Xw9I": {
        "begin": "0:37.6",
        "end": "1:26.6",
        "text": "FOLKS, YOU KNOW,\nIF YOU WATCH THE SHOW,\nTHAT I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER\nTHERE, GATHERING THE FRESHEST,\nNEWSIEST HEADLINE FLOWERS,\nSCOURING THE FIELDS AND FORESTS\nFOR THE MOST TOPICAL AND\nFRAGRANT SYLVAN NEWS BOUGHS, THE\nJOKIEST FESTIVE GOURDS, AND THEN\nCAREFULLY ASSEMBLING AND\nARRANGING THEM ALL INTO THE\nGRAND YET TASTEFUL STATE\nDINNER-WORTHY CENTERPIECE THAT\nIS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, NOW, SOMETIMES,\nI RUB SOME LEAD PAINT CHIPS ONTO\nMY GUMS, STAGGER INTO THE WOODS\nWITH NOTHING BUT A STAPLE GUN\nAND SOME EMPTY CANS OF SPRAY\nPAINT, AND THEN, BY THE LIGHT OF THE\nTIRE-FIRE, USING SMASHED LARVAE\nAND MY OWN SALIVA AS GLUE, I\nCOBBLE TOGETHER A CRUDE PILE OF\nPUNKY WOOD AND ANIMAL SKULLS TO\nPRESENT TO YOU THE UNHINGED\nLONER'S CORNUCOPIA OF NEWS THAT\nIS MY SEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE!\""
    },
    "L-kR7UCzhTU": {
        "begin": "1:36.0",
        "end": "2:19.0",
        "text": "YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME\nRIGHT OVER THERE HAND-RAISING\nAND SELECTING THE NEWEST,\nMOST-TOPICAL SEVILLE ORANGES,\nCAREFULLY SIMMERING THEM WITH\nTURBINADO SUGAR AND PRISTINE\nFILTERED WATER TO CREATE FOR YOU\nA DOUBLE-GOLD-MEDAL-WINNING\nBITTERSWEET ENGLISH MARMALADE TO\nSPREAD ON THE PERFECTLY TOASTED\nARTISANAL BRIOCHE THAT IS\nMY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS,\nI GRAB AN EXPIRED TUB OF\nWHIPPING CREAM, TOSS IT IN A\nBLENDER WITH THE HALF OF A\nGOGURT I FOUND IN A SCHOOLYARD,\nAND LET THAT FERMENT BEHIND THE\nFURNACE WHILE I FISH A DRIED\nPITA OUT OF THE GUTTER\nUNDERNEATH THE CORN-- CORNER KEBAB\nSTAND, THEN SLATHER IT WITH THE\nUNPRESSURIZED NIGHTMARE\nDAIRY OF NEWS THAT IS MY\nSEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE!\""
    },
    "Lf-LkJhKVhk": {
        "begin": "1:14.0",
        "end": "1:53.0",
        "text": "YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME\nOVER THERE CAREFULLY ASSEMBLING\nTHE MOST TOPICAL VIRTUOSO WIND\nSECTION, TUNING THE VIOLAS,\nCELLOS, AND CONTRABASS TO THE\nCOUNTRY'S ZEITGEIST, AND WAVING\nMY CONDUCTOR'S BATON TO THE\nTEMPLE OF HUMOR TO PRESENT FOR\nYOU THE SPECTACULAR BRAHMS\nCONCERTO IN SATIRE MAJOR THAT IS\nMY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, I WAKE UP IN A\nFUGUE STATE BEHIND THE ABANDONED\nVIDEO STORE, STEAL A GARBAGE CAN\nLID AND A BROKEN UMBRELLA\nHANDLE, AND THEN GRAB AN EMPTY CAN\nOF P.B.R. I'VE BEEN USING AS AN\nASHTRAY TO FASHION A RUSTED\nKAZOO, ALL TO CREATE THE\n2-IN-THE-MORNING ONE-MAN-STOMP\nSHOW OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE!\""
    },
    "P72uFdrkaVA": {
        "begin": "0:49.3",
        "end": "1:48.3",
        "text": "FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW I SPEND A LOT OF\nTIME RIGHT OVER THERE, TENDERLY\nCLIPPING THE NEWSIEST, MOST\nFRAGRANT TEA-LEAF BUDS OF THE\nDAY, GINGERLY LAYING THEM TO DRY\nBY THE LIGHT OF THE\nROSY-FINGERED DAWN,\nPAINSTAKINGLY STEEPING THEM TO\nPERFECTION IN THE MOST TOPICAL\nOF FRESH WATER GATHERED FROM THE\nNATION'S NEWS RESERVOIR, BEFORE\nCEREMONIOUSLY SERVING TO YOU THE\nANTIOXIDANT-RICH ELIXIR OF\nBESPOKE TEA SHAN THAT IS MY\nNIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES FOLKS, AFTER\nA BENDER ON ABSINTHE AND\nMOUNTAIN DEW CODE RED, I SWEAT\nMYSELF AWAKE HOVERED OVER A VAT\nOF BLISTERING SEWER RUNOFF.\nI ADD TO THE GURGLING POT OF\nNIGHTMARES WHATEVER THE VOICES\nDEMAND: SCRAPS OF WET TRASHCAN\nLETTUCE AND BAND-AIDS FROM THE\nCOMMUNITY POOL.\nTHEN, USING AN OLD GYM SOCK I\nFOUND AT THE HOBOKEN Y.M.C.A., I\nSTRAIN IT ALL INTO A DISUSED\nGASOLINE CONTAINER TO OFFER YOU\nTHE SCALDING-HOT DEMENTED DEMON\nTONIC OF NEWS THAT IS MY\nSEGMENT: \"MEANWHILE!\""
    },
    "PT5_00Bld_8": {
        "begin": "0:57.0",
        "end": "2:02.0",
        "text": "FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF MY TIME,\nRIGHT OVER THERE, CRUISING THE\nVAST TSUKIJI FISH MARKET OF THE\nDAY'S BIGGEST STORIES, CAREFULLY\nSURVEYING THE FRESHEST, MOST\nTOPICAL CATCH OF THE DAY,\nCHOOSING ONLY THE HIGHEST GRADE\nAHI NEWS TUNA, AWABI, AND UNAGI,\nTHEN DELICATELY PICKING THROUGH\nTHE RICE GRAINS OF THE\nHEADLINES, GENTLY WRAPPING THE\nINGREDIENTS IN THE FRESHEST\nHAND-PICKED NORI, AND CAREFULLY\nLAYING IT ALL OUT TO PRESENT TO\nYOU THE YAMANAKA LACQUERED\nTHREE-TIER JUBAKO BENTO BOX THAT\nIS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT -- YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.\nYOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.\nYOU KNOW WHAT'S COMING.\nBUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES FOLKS, I AM SLAPPED\nAWAKE BY A POSSUM ON A BED OF\nWET TIRES NEAR A LONG-ABANDONED\nWHARF, SELL MY LAST REMAINING\nADULT TEETH TO A VAGRANT\nFISHMONGER FOR AN EXPIRED SALMON\nCARCASS, AND GRIND THAT INTO A\nSOFT PASTE, THEN ROLL IT IN ENOUGH\nSTALE RICE KRISPIES TO MAKE\nSNAP, CRACKLE, AND POP TAKE A\nHARD LOOK IN THE MIRROR, AND SERVE\nYOU THE NIGHT-SCREAM INDUCING\nHOBO HAND-ROLL OF NEWS THAT IS\nMY SEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE!\""
    },
    "QPDZbNEhsuw": {
        "begin": "1:31.0",
        "end": "2:15.0",
        "text": "YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND MOST\nOF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE,\nDIGGING DOWN INTO THE NEWS\nPIT AND MINING FOR YOU THE\nDAY'S\nCLEAREST STORY DIAMONDS,\nCLEAVING THEM INTO THE MOST\nTOPICAL CUTS, FACETING THEM,\nPOLISHING THEM TO A HIGH\nFINISH,\nTHEN SETTING THEM ALL IN A\nDELICATE 24 KARAT GOLD CHAIN\nTO\nCREATE THE BESPOKE CARTIER\nNECKLACE THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE,\nBUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES FOLKS,\nI JUST HUFF A LITTLE TOO MUCH\nEPOXY\nAND STUMBLE DOWN TO AN\nABANDONED PIER, WHERE I FIND\nA PIECE OF\nDISUSED FISHING LINE AND\nSTRING IT WITH OLD BOTTLE\nCAPS, RUSTY\nPADLOCKS, AND BABY TEETH,\nTHEN RIP THE SEAT BELT OUT\nOF A\nBURNED-OUT POLICE CAR TO\nMAKE A CLASP, AND PARADE\nNAKED THROUGH\nA CHI-CHI'S WEARING THE\nPSYCHO CHOKER OF NEWS THAT\nIS MY\nSEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE.\""
    },
    "QjQbQlN9Ev8": {
        "begin": "3:53.0",
        "end": "4:35.0",
        "text": "YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF\nMY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE,\nHANGING FOR YOU THE DAY'S\nHOTTEST, MOST TOPICAL NEWS\nDECORATIONS, BOOKING THE SEXIEST\nBAND, CURATING THE MOST RELEVANT\nDRINKS MENU, DISTRIBUTING\nPLAYFUL, YET TASTEFUL PARTY\nFAVORS, AND GLITTER HATS THAT\nSAY \"2022,\" AND THEN SETTING THE\nMOST AU-COURANT LIGHTING TO\nTHROW FOR YOU THE UPSCALE,\n\"PITCH PERFECT\" NEW YEAR'S EVE\nPARTY THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES,\nFOLKS, I WAKE UP IN THE RAFTERS\nAFTER LOSING A BET TO A CROW.\nAND THEN I SPIKE THE PUNCH BOWL WITH\nCHLOROFORM AND MILITARY-GRADE\nHELICOPTER LUBRICANTS, MAKE A\nBUNCH OF RESOLUTIONS TO QUIT\nHUFFING WD-40, AND PUNCH A\nPOLICE HORSE DURING THE FUGITIVE\nNEW YEAR'S HO-DOWN OF NEWS THAT\nIS MY SEGMENT:\nMEANWHILE!"
    },
    "R6JV_I36It8": {
        "begin": "0:38.0",
        "end": "1:18.0",
        "text": "YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND\nA LOT OF TIME\nSHUCKING FOR YOU THE DAY'S MOST\nTOPICAL CLAMS, BONING THE\nFINEST, MOST CURRENT NEWS\nCHICKENS, AND COLLECTING THE\nHIGHEST QUALITY STORY SHRIMP\nAND SAFFRON RICE, THEN GENTLY\nSIMMERING IT ALL IN A CAST-IRON\nCOMEDY PAI-YERA, TO CREATE\nTHE FRAGRANT SEAFOOD PAELLA THAT\nIS MY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES FOLKS, I\nSHAMBLE DOWN TO THE DOCKS WITH A\nRUSTY CROWBAR, MANEUVER THROUGH\nTHE POLLUTED CANAL USING A\nMCDONALD'S STRAW AS A SNORKEL,\nAND SCRAPE THE BARNACLES OFF A\nPASSING GARBAGE SCOW, TOSS THEM\nIN A POT WITH SOME HALF-USED\nRAMEN FLAVORED PACKETS AND\nMOUNTAIN DEW, TO BREW FOR YOU\nTHE CHUNKY STEW OF NEWS THAT IS\nMY SEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE!\""
    },
    "RFVggCw58lo": {
        "begin": "1:00.0",
        "end": "1:43.0",
        "text": "YOU KNOW FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME\nSTANDING RIGHT OVER THERE, PAINSTAKINGLY\nPENCILING THE DAY'S MOST TOPICAL\nAND HEROIC STORIES, STAGING THEM\nIN METICULOUSLY PLANNED PANELS,\nHAND-INKING THEM WITH THE\nPITHIEST DIALOGUE, THEN COLOR\nBALANCING THE FINISHED PAGES TO\nCREATE FOR YOU THE GENRE-BENDING\nONCE-IN-A-GENERATION GRAPHIC\nNOVEL THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES FOLKS, I JUST TEAR A PAGE OUT\nOF A WET NEWSPAPER I PEELED OFF\nA SUBWAY SEAT, GRAB A BROKEN\nCRAYON I FOUND IN MY COUCH,\nCRUDELY DRAW SOME FILTHY\nCARTOONS, SCRIBBLE IN AS\nMANY CURSE WORDS AS I CAN IN THE\nPORNOGRAPHIC DRIFTER ZINE OF\nNEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:\nMEANWHILE!"
    },
    "RHDQpOVLKeM": {
        "begin": "0:39.0",
        "end": "2:11.0",
        "text": "YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I\nSPEND MOST OF MY TIME, RIGHT\nOVER THERE, PORING OVER THE\nDAY'S BIGGEST STORIES,\nCOLLECTING THE FINEST,\nMOST-TOPICAL NEWS CALFSKINS AND\nPAINSTAKINGLY WASHING THEM IN A\nCALCIUM HYDROXIDE SOLUTION, THEN\nSOAKING THEM IN LIME FOR DAYS TO\nREMOVE ALL NARRATIVE IMPURITIES\nAND CREATE A PALE VELLUM THAT I\nLATER PLACE ON MY SCRIPTORIUM IN\nA MONASTERY ON THE CLIFFS OF\nDOVER.\nTHERE, USING A PEN CUT FROM THE\nWING FEATHER OF A SWAN OF THE\nRIVER AVON, I DESIGN COPTIC AND\nSYRIAC ILLUSTRATIONS, ADORNED\nWITH WHIMSICAL CELTIC SPIRALS\nAND USE GERMANIC ZOOMORPHIC\nDESIGNS TO CREATE THE MARGINALIA\nSURROUNDING THE PAGES OF ELEGANT\nHALF-UNCIAL INSULAR SCRIPT THAT\nTELL THE HOLIEST OF STORIES,\nWHICH I THEN BIND WITH GOLDEN\nTHREAD UNDER A PROTECTIVE CASE\nOF CARVED OAK TO CREATE FOR YOU\nTHE GLORIOUS LATE\nANGLO-SAXON PERIOD ILLUMINATED\nMANUSCRIPT THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, FOLKS, SOMETIMES,\nTHESE PEOPLE KNOW, THEY KNOW, THEY KNOW\nBUT SOMETIMES, FOLKS,\nI COME TO UNDER A RAMP IN THE\nMIDDLE OF A DEMOLITION DERBY,\nHOTWIRE THE TRUCKASAURUS\nAND LEAD THE POLICE ON A CHASE\nBEFORE CRASHING INTO A SWAMP\nGATHERING JUST AS, WHAT I ASSUME\nIS A PRIEST SAYS, \"YOU MAY KISS\nTHE BRIDE,\" RIP A LEECH OFF MY\nASS, AND USE IT TO HASTILY\nDOODLE A SKETCH OF THE SCENE IN\nMY OWN BLOOD ON AN OLD DAVE AND\nBUSTERS RECEIPT, THEN STAGGER\nTOWARD THE HAPPY COUPLE\nCLUTCHING THE NIGHTMARE\nSTALKER'S WEDDING ALBUM OF NEWS\nTHAT IS MY SEGMENT:\nMEANWHILE!"
    },
    "TZSw9iRk03E": {
        "begin": "0:22.5",
        "end": "1:08.5",
        "text": "FOLKS, YOU KNOW I\nSPEND A LOT\nOF RIGHT TIME OVER THERE, CAREFULLY\nSTUDYING THE LATEST, NEWSIEST\nCLINICAL STUDIES, PRACTICING AND\nTRAINING UNDER THE BEST, MOST\nTOPICAL DOCTORS, CAREFULLY\nSTERILIZING ALL MY EQUIPMENT,\nAND ASSEMBLING THE WORLD'S GREATEST\nSURGICAL TEAM TO PERFORM FOR YOU THE\nDAZZLINGLY COMPLEX AND\nGROUNDBREAKING THORACIC AORTIC\nDISSECTION REPAIR THAT IS MY\nMONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES,\nI GET KICKED OUT OF MY HEALTH CARE\nPLAN FOR LISTING MY DOG BENNY AS\nA GASTROENTEROLOGIST, SO I\nSTIPPLE SOME INCISION MARKS ON\nMY ABDOMEN WITH A DRIED-OUT\nSHARPIE, SLAM A COUPLE OF RED BULLS\nIN FRONT OF A SHATTERED MIRROR,\nAND FISH A RUSTY BONING KNIFE\nOUT OF A STOLEN CRAB BOAT TO\nPERFORM THE EXPLORATORY HOBO\nAPPENDECTOMY OF NEWS THAT IS MY\nSEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE!\""
    },
    "VV3UJmb8kHw": {
        "begin": "2:04.0",
        "end": "2:54.0",
        "text": "YOU KNOW, FOLKS,\nIF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW\nI SPEND A LOT OF MY TIME RIGHT\nOVER THERE.\nCAREFULLY COMBING THROUGH THE\nBIGGEST STORIES OF THE DAY,\nSOURCING FOR YOU THE NEWSIEST\nMIKADO ORGANZA IN A HIGH SHEEN,\nADDING THE MOST TOPICAL IVORY\nFEATHER FRINGE AND A DIPPED\nBACK, THEN THROWING ON A DEMURE\nBUT KICKY FLORAL EMBROIDERED\nTULLE SHRUG WITH STATEMENT PEARL\nACCENTS TO PRESENT TO YOU THE\nGLORIOUS \"VOGUE\" COVER-READY\nWEDDING GOWN THAT IS MY\nMONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, WHILE ON A\nGLUE-HUFFING BINGE, I CRASH A\nSTOLEN HEARSE INTO AN ABANDONED\nCHILDREN'S HOSPITAL WHERE I USE\nMY TEETH TO TEAR UP SOME OLD\nCURTAINS AND STAINED CARPETING,\nAND STEAL A BUTTON OFF AN OLD\nSURGICAL APRON, AND STITCH IT\nALL TOGETHER WITH A NEEDLE MADE\nFROM A CHICKEN BONE TO THROW\nTOGETHER THE SHRIEKING CAT\nLADY'S SACK DRESS OF NEWS THAT\nIS MY SEGMENT: \"MEANWHILE.\""
    },
    "VYVbTzoggKc": {
        "begin": "0:00.0",
        "end": "0:49.0",
        "text": "FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I\nSPEND A LOT OF\nMY TIME ON THE SHOW-- IF YOU\nWATCH THE SHOW YOU'D FIGURE\nTHIS OUT,\nRIGHT OVER THERE, STANDING RIGHT OVER THERE IN THE MONOLOGUE SPELUNKING\nTHROUGH THE DAY'S STORIES TO\nSELECT AND SOURCE THE\nNEWSIEST MARBLE, CHISELING\nIT INTO A\nPEDESTAL OF HUMOR AS WIDE AS\nTWO GREEK ISLES.\nTHEN I CAST THE MOST TOPICAL\nCURRENT-EVENTS-BRONZE INTO A\nFINELY CRAFTED MOULD TO\nERECT FOR YOU THE TOWERING\nGRECIAN\nCOLOSSUS THAT IS MY NIGHTLY\nMONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, JUST\nSOMETIMES, FOLKS, I JOLT\nAWAKE INSIDE\nWHAT'S LEFT OF A RUSTED\nMAZDA MIATA IN A WHITE CLAW\nAND\nOVEN-CLEANER-INDUCED FUGUE\nSTATE, SHAMBLE THROUGH THE\nJUNKYARD, RANSACKING THE\nDEBRIS FOR OLD FISHING RODS,\nMELTED\nBATTERIES AND THE SHOVEL OF\nA DERELICT BACKHOE, AND THEN\nBOOST AN\nACETYLENE TORCH TO HASTILY\nWELD TOGETHER THE BOOTLEG\nTRUCKASAURUS OF NEWS THAT\nIS MY SEGMENT:\nMEANWHILE!"
    },
    "WWWeV8xVNtI": {
        "begin": "2:00.0",
        "end": "2:35.0",
        "text": "YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPENT A LOT\nOF TIME CAREFULLY RESEARCHING\nTHE DAY'S MOST CULTURALLY\nPRECIOUS STORIES,\nCROSS-REFERENCING HISTORICAL\nACCOUNTS WITH TOPOGRAPHICAL\nMAPS, AND ASSEMBLING THE FINEST\nTEAM OF ARCHAEOLOGISTS TO\nUNEARTH THE UNESCO WORLD\nHERITAGE EXCAVATION SITE OF\nHUMOR THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, I DISTRACT AN\nORPHAN WITH A PIECE OF\nLINT-COVERED CANDY AND STEAL\nTHEIR BUCKET AND PAIL, THEN\nSNEAK INTO THE POTTER'S FIELD IN\nTHE DEAD OF NIGHT WITH TWO\nDRIFTERS I PICKED UP ON THE\nCOMMUTER TRAIN, AND FORCE THEM\nTO DIG FOR THE ABANDONED\nPAUPER'S GRAVE\nOF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:\nMEANWHILE!"
    },
    "XzJAtzdrY_w": {
        "begin": "2:57.0",
        "end": "4:32.0",
        "text": "FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW, YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST\nOF MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE,\nCAREFULLY COMBING THE NEWS\nLANDSCAPE AND HARVESTING THE\nFINEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL STORY\nPIGMENTS LIKE MALACHITE,\nAZURITE, AND CINNABAR, WHICH I\nSLOWLY GRIND UNDER A GLASS\nOF MULLER WITH ONLY THE MOST\nTOPICAL LINSEED OIL, WORKING\nTHEM INTO SMOOTH, BUTTERY\nVERMILLIONS, VERDIGRIS, AND NEW\nGAMBOGES, WHICH I THEN APPLY TO\nA GRISAILLE PREPARED ON A CANVAS\nOF FLAX, TOW, AND JUTE, SLOWLY\nWORKING UP THE SHADOW\nSHAPES AND MAJOR MASSES, THEN\nDELICATELY RENDERING THE\nINTERPLAY OF LIGHT AND FORM,\nBEFORE APPLYING THE FINE DAMMAR\nAND MASTIC VARNISH TO UNVEIL FOR\nYOU THE GLORIOUS REMBRANDT\nPORTRAIT OF THE DAY'S EVENTS\nTHAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES--\nSOMETIMES, FOLKS, SOMETIMES\nI'M SHAKEN AWAKE INSIDE THE\nDARKENED TRUNK OF A BULGARIAN\nMOBSTER'S VOLVO 940, I QUIETLY\nRELEASE THE SAFETY CATCH AND\nTUMBLE ONTO THE SIDE OF A DIRT\nROAD, BREAKING BOTH CLAVICLES,\nWHICH I DO NOT FEEL BECAUSE OF\nALL THE ANGEL DUST.\nI STAGGER INTO AN ABANDONED\nTANNERY WHERE I BEFRIEND AN OWL\nWHO TELLS ME TO I HAVE TO LET\nHIM SPEAK THROUGH ME OR HE'LL\nMURDER THE CLOUDS.\nAND IN HIS DIRECTION, I MIX THE\nFUN DIP I FOUND IN MY POCKET\nWITH THE FISTFULS OF HEXAVALENT\nCHROMIUM I SCOOP UP FROM THE\nDISUSED TANNING PITS, THEN HURL\nIT AT THE SIDE OF A NEARBY\nDEFUNCT DAIRY QUEEN IN A FUGUE\nSTATE OF LASHING OUT AT LIGHT\nAND COLOR, TO UNLEASH FOR YOU\nTHE ABSTRACT EXPRESSIONIST\nSPLATTER FRESCO OF NEWS THAT IS\nMY SEGMENT:\nMEANWHILE!"
    },
    "YyV6l8HPmdQ": {
        "begin": "0:48.0",
        "end": "1:32.0",
        "text": "FOLKS, LADIES AND\nGENTLEMEN, YOU KNOW I SPEND A\nLOT\nOF TIME DELICATELY WHITTLING A\nMELANGE OF THE DAY'S MOST\nPRESSING STORY TIMBERS,\nPRECISELY MEASURING THE NECKS,\nRIBS, AND BACKS OF THE NEWS,\nEMPLOYING ONLY THE MOST\nSOPHISTICATED AND TOPICAL\nPURFLING, THEN LAYING 15\nEXQUISITE COATS OF INSIGHT ONTO\nTHE ORNATE YET ROBUST\nSTRADIVARIUS VIOLIN THAT IS MY\nNIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS,\nI GATHER UP FRAYED ELECTRICAL\nWIRE FROM A BURNT-OUT BOWLING\nALLEY, TAPE IT TO A\nTERMITE-INFESTED 2-by-4, THEN SHOVE\nONE END TO A DISCARDED CHUM\nBUCKET TO MAKE FOR YOU THE APPALACHIAN\nDRIFTER'S BANJO OF NEWS THAT IS\nMY SEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE!\""
    },
    "a8DD__mRtPk": {
        "begin": "1:13.0",
        "end": "1:58.0",
        "text": "FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND MOST OF\nMY TIME GATHERING FOR YOU THE LATEST,\nMOST CUTTING-EDGE NEWS STORIES,\nCAREFULLY EXAMINING THE DAY'S\nCT SCAN, THEN ASSEMBLING\nAMERICA'S CRACK MEDICAL TEAM,\nAND MAKING PRECISE INCISIONS\nWITH THE AID OF A STRYKER 1588\nLAPAROSCOPE IN THE\nGROUNDBREAKING SURGICAL ARTISTRY\nTHAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES,\nFOLKS, WHEN I NEED A LITTLE EXTRA CASH TO\nPAY OFF MY COCK-FIGHTING DEBTS,\nI SET UP A RUSTY COT UNDER A\nTARP IN WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK,\nWHERE I PLY CURIOUS PASSERSBY\nWITH BATHTUB COUGH SYRUP TO HELP\nDULL THE PAIN WHILE I USE GARDEN\nSHEARS TO CUT OUT ANYTHING THAT\nLOOKS SUPERFLUOUS IN THE AMATEUR\nAPPENDECTOMY TENT OF NEWS\nTHAT IS MY SEGMENT...\nMEANWHILE!"
    },
    "cHhomJMwY1I": {
        "begin": "2:42.0",
        "end": "3:24.0",
        "text": "FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME\nSTANDING RIGHT OVER THERE,\nCOMBING THROUGH HOURS UPON HOURS\nOF GAME TAPE ON THE MOST PROMISING\nHEADLINES, METICULOUSLY CRAFTING\nMY BIG BOARD TO RANK STORIES\nBASED ON THEIR RAW TALENT AND\nINTANGIBLES, AND CUT DEALS FOR\nTHE MOST TOPICAL TRADES TO DRAFT\nTHE ONCE-IN-A-GENERATION,\nHEISMAN-WINNING QUARTERBACK THAT\nIS MY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES I\nWAKE UP IN AN ICE BATH AFTER\nDOING RAILS OF GATORADE POWDER,\nREALIZE IT'S DRAFT DAY, AND I\nHAVE 15 SECONDS LEFT TO MAKE A\nCHOICE AND BLURT OUT THE FIRST\nNAME I SEE TO WASTE THE NUMBER\nONE OVERALL PICK ON THE SCRAWNY,\nUNPOLISHED THIRD-STRING PUNTER\nOF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT,\n\"MEANWHILE!\""
    },
    "hhwTiwUAaf8": {
        "begin": "1:06.5",
        "end": "1:54.5",
        "text": "YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND MOST\nOF MY TIME SOURCING FOR YOU THE DAY'S\nFINEST HANGZHOU SILK NEWS\nSTORIES, MOUNTING THEM ON THE\nMOST TOPICAL, PREMIUM,\nPOLYHEDRAL BAMBOO JOKE FRAME,\nDECORATING IT WITH ARTISANAL ASH\nINK, INSERTING A HAND-POURED\nBEESWAX CANDLE, FILLING IT WITH\nINTENTION AND THEN SENDING IT ALOFT\nON THE UPDRAFT OF AUDIENCE\nLAUGHTER IN THE SPECTACULAR\nCHINESE LANTERN FESTIVAL THAT IS\nMY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I GO VISIT MY\nBUDDY, BARRACUDA AT THE\nABANDONED MALL, DROP A COUPLE OF\nHUNDOS ON SOME WET ROMAN\nCANDLES, BENT SPARKLERS SMUGGLED\nIN FROM THE PHILIPPINES, AND A\nFLARE GUN STOLEN FROM A CRASHED\nCOAST GUARD BOAT, SET IT\nALL OFF IN THE DERANGED,\nUNREGULATED FIREWORKS ACCIDENT\nOF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE!\""
    },
    "iB6diOGE8y4": {
        "begin": "0:52.8",
        "end": "1:50.8",
        "text": "YOU KNOW, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME\nRIGHT OVER THERE, COMBING\nTHROUGH THE DAY'S BIGGEST NEWS,\nAND SELECTING FOR YOU THE\nFINEST, MOST TOPICAL INDIAN\nROSEWOOD, SPRUCE, AND MAHOGANY\nSTORIES.\nI THEN HAND-SHAPE AND COMBINE\nTHEM WITH AN ABALONE\nMULTI-STRIPE BACK INLAY, AND\nFORWARD-SHIFTED SCALLOPED\nBRACES, ANTIQUE WHITE BINDING,\nAND A HIGH-PERFORMANCE NECK WITH\nA HEXAGON FINGERBOARD, AND\nFINALLY LAY IN A\nTORTOISE-PATTERN PEARL PICK\nGUARD, AND A COMPENSATED\nBONE SADDLE, TO CRAFT FOR YOU\nTHE EXQUISITE MARTIN D-45\nDREADNOUGHT ACOUSTIC GUITAR\nTHAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I SNAP\nAWAKE IN A RUSTY COFFIN FREEZER\nBEHIND AN ABANDONED DAIRY QUEEN\nOUTSIDE OF GALVESTON.\nTHEN I NAIL A 2-BY-4 TO A CEDAR URN\nI STOLE FROM A FUNERAL PARLOR, STRING\nON SOME BRAKE CABLES I RIPPED\nOUT OF A COP CAR, THEN CUT EYE\nHOLES IN A GOODWILL BAG FOR A MASK,\nHIT A WHIPPET, AND TERRORIZE\nTHE LOCALS ON THE TEXAS CHAINSAW\nBANJO OF NEWS THAT IS MY\nSEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE!\""
    },
    "iQFwGF0aW-o": {
        "begin": "2:10.7",
        "end": "3:33.7",
        "text": "I SPEND A LOT OF MY TIME, RIGHT\nOVER THERE, CULTIVATING FOR YOU THE\nDAY'S BIGGEST STORIES,\nPLUCKING THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND\nTOPICAL NEWS VIOLETS AND\nMARIGOLDS, STRIPPING THE FRENCH\nLAVENDER FROM THE STEM AND\nLOVINGLY PRESSING THEM ALL\nBETWEEN THE PAGES OF A GILDED\nFIRST EDITION OF \"PRIDE AND\nPREJUDICE.\"\nTHEN I FOLD THEM INTO A DOUGH I\nHAND ROLLED FROM PASINI BAKERY\nFLOUR, BORDIER BUTTER, AND\nCHILLED SOMERDALE DEVON DOUBLE\nCREAM, SPRINKLE THEM WITH A\nPINCH OF MUSCOVADO SUGAR, AND\nBAKE THEM IN A \"LA CORNUE GRAND\nPALAIS\" RANGE TO PERFECTLY PREP\nTHE GOURMET FLORAL SHORTBREAD\nCOOKIE THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, FOLKS, SOMETIMES,\nSOMETIMES, I AM NIBBLED AWAKE BY AN AMOROUS\nRACCOON IN THE ABANDONED WALK-IN\nFREEZER OF A HAUNTED BAKERY IN\nWHICH I HAVE ESTABLISHED\nSQUATTER'S RIGHTS, I SLIP INTO\nTHE TWISTED KITCHENAID PADDLES I\nCALL SHOES, AND KNIFE FIGHT A\nPOSSUM FOR AN EXPIRED BAG OF\nCRUSHED BREAKFAST CEREAL DUST\nAND A BROKEN EGG, WHICH I MIX\nWITH THREE SMUSHED RESTAURANT\nBUTTER PACKETS I STOLE FROM A\nNAPPING RETIREE'S PURSE, POUR\nTHE REST OF A SHATTERED BOTTLE\nOF RUBBING ALCOHOL I FOUND IN\nTHE DUMPSTER OUT BACK INTO A\nRUSTY BARREL TO IGNITE THE HOBO\nFIRE OVER WHICH I BAKE MY\nSLUDGE, THEN DISPLAY IT IN A\nFILTHY CHEF'S HAT TO SERVE YOU\nTHE DERANGED RAT KING BISCUIT OF\nNEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE\"!"
    },
    "jIL7kvG7d10": {
        "begin": "1:55.3",
        "end": "2:40.3",
        "text": "FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT\nOF TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE\nCAREFULLY PLANTING AND TENDING\nTO THE DAY'S BIGGEST, MOST\nIMPORTANT STORIES, TRIMMING\nTHE TOPICAL HEDGES WITH DELICATE\nEXACTITUDE, RESEARCHING AND\nSEEDING THE SOIL OF TODAY'S\nNEWS IN ORDER TO YIELD THE MOST\nBEAUTIFUL, FRAGRANT JOKE\nFLOWERS, AND PRECISELY TIMING\nTHE BLOOM IN THE EXQUISITE\nENGLISH GARDEN THAT IS MY\nNIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES FOLKS, I DRIVE A 2003\nPONTIAC SUNFIRE THROUGH A HOME\nDEPOT GARDEN CENTER, DOWN A JUG\nOF MIRACLE GRO, SMEAR MY BODY IN\nMUD AND PEA GRAVEL, BUILD A FORT\nOUT OF PAVERS, PLOP A SUCCULENT\nDISH GARDEN ON MY HEAD, AND\nBARRICADE MYSELF INSIDE A\nPORTABLE TOOL SHED TO CREATE THE\nPARANOID BACKYARD STANDOFF OF\nNEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:\nMEANWHILE!"
    },
    "jpq8eXZcvpo": {
        "begin": "0:52.5",
        "end": "1:37.5",
        "text": "FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF MY TIME\nRIGHT OVER THERE, SORTING\nTHROUGH THE DAY'S TOP STORIES,\nCAREFULLY SELECTING FOR YOU THE\nFRESHEST, MOST TOPICAL\nNEWS-FRUIT, ARTFULLY CARVING IT\nINTO SATIRICAL SHAPES, DIPPING\nIT IN THE FINEST ARTISANAL\nCHOCOLATE, AND GENTLY PLACING THEM\nINTO THE FLAWLESSLY COMPOSED AND\nDELICIOUS EDIBLE ARRANGEMENT\nTHAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES,\nFOLKS, I WAKE UP FACE DOWN IN\nTHE RECYCLING BIN BEHIND A JAMBA\nJUICE, FIGHT A SEAGULL FOR THE\nDISCARDED CANTALOUPE RINDS\nAND PINEAPPLE STEMS, DIP THEM\nINTO A BUCKET OF DIESEL SIPHONED OFF\nFROM A SEMI FULL OF UNWASHED\nBIRD BONES, WHICH I USE TO\nSKEWER TOGETHER MY GARBAGE\nKEBABS, THEN STAB THEM ONTO A\nWATERLOGGED TEDDY BEAR TO CREATE\nTHE CRIMINALLY INSANE NIGHTMARE\nGIFT BASKET OF NEWS THAT IS MY\nSEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE!\""
    },
    "jq2LhJ9rMpg": {
        "begin": "2:52.0",
        "end": "3:34.0",
        "text": "YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME\nRIGHT OVER THERE, PULLING\nTOGETHER THE FINEST, NEWSIEST\nLIMESTONE, CHISELING IN THE MOST\nDELICATE AND TOPICAL OF\nBAS-RELIEF, AND THE MOST ORNATE\nARCHES, MAKING SURE THERE'S NARY\nA BAD SEAT IN THE HOUSE, THEN\nASSEMBLING THE MOST FEARSOME\nNEWS WARRIORS THE ARENA HAS EVER\nSEEN TO CONSTRUCT FOR YOU THE\nROMAN COLOSSEUM THAT IS MY\nNIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES FOLKS, I WAKE UP MY\nNEIGHBOR AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING,\nDRAG HIM INTO MY SHED, WHERE\nI'VE SET UP A KIDDIE POOL I\nBOUGHT 20 YEARS AGO AND FILLED\nWITH EXPIRED JELL-O AND LUKEWARM\nBEER, HUFF SOME ACETONE OUT OF A\nPRICE CHOPPER BAG, THEN\nCHALLENGE HIM TO JOIN ME IN THE\nOLD MAN WRESTLING LEAGUE OF\nNEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE!\""
    },
    "lWyia3aF92o": {
        "begin": "1:44.0",
        "end": "2:30.0",
        "text": "FRIENDS, EVERY NIGHT I STAND\nRIGHT OVER THERE, AND I CAREFULLY WORK ON THE LIGHTING\nAND STAGING OF THE DAY'S MOST\nTOPICAL NEWS STORIES, COMPOSING\nGROUNDBREAKING ORCHESTRAL\nARRANGEMENTS TO SUPPORT THEM,\nAND THEN METICULOUSLY CHOREOGRAPHING\nTHEM AND MYSELF INTO A DELICATE,\nHEARTBREAKING, AND YET UPLIFTING\nPAS DE DEUX, TO PRESENT FOR YOU\nTHE EPOCH-DEFINING BALLET THAT\nIS MY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES FOLKS, I FISH A STAINED\nVELOUR JUMPSUIT OUT OF A CANAL,\nHOOK A RADIO I RIPPED OUT OF A\nGARBAGE TRUCK TO AN ABANDONED\nCAR BATTERY, AND SLAP THE DIAL\nTHROUGH FUZZ TILL IT LANDS ON A\nRANDOM A.M. OLDIES STATION, AND THEN\nSHAKE MY ASS FOR NICKELS IN THE\nDEMENTED VAGRANT MACARENA OF\nNEWS OF THAT IS MY SEGMENT:\nMEANWHILE!"
    },
    "ldTzn1RpsNY": {
        "begin": "1:00.0",
        "end": "1:48.0",
        "text": "FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME\nRIGHT OVER THERE, COMPILING THE\nMOST CURRENT GEOMETRY QUESTIONS,\nSPRINKLING IN A TOPICAL SET OF\nDATA ANALYSES, FOLDING THEM\nTOGETHER ALONG THE NEWSWORTHIEST\nWORD PROBLEMS, THEN PAIRING ALL\nOF THAT WITH THE DAY'S MOST\nPRESSING READING PASSAGES TO\nCOLLATE FOR YOU THE PERFECTLY\nCALIBRATED, BESPOKE S.A.T. TEST\nTHAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES,\nI HUFF A PILE OF SALVIA AND\nSTAGGER INTO A LANDFILL WHERE I\nFORAGE FOR CRUSTY OLD SUDOKUS,\nGRAB A SACKFUL OF USED AND WET\nMADLIBS, AND CRAZY-GLUE THEM INTO\nTHE SPINE OF A DISCARDED\n\"READER'S DIGEST\" I FOUND IN A\nBURNT-OUT WALDENBOOKS, TO\nPRESENT TO YOU THE ILLEGIBLE\nHOBO BUZZFEED QUIZ OF NEWS THAT\nIS MY SEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE!\""
    },
    "lgH-itFA_hg": {
        "begin": "1:53.2",
        "end": "2:33.2",
        "text": "FOLKS, I SPENT A LOT OF TIME\nSTANDING RIGHT OVER THERE, OKAY,\nSETTING\nUP MY NEWS EASEL, LAYING OUT THE\nMOST TOPICAL BRUSH STROKES,\nCHOOSING THE MOST RELEVANT\nCOLORS, ALL TO FAITHFULLY\nCAPTURE FOR YOU, THE SOUL OF THE\nSTORIES OF THE DAY IN THE\nOIL-ON-CANVAS MASTERPIECE THAT\nIS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES -- JUST SOMETIMES,\nFOLKS -- I SET A LIQUOR\nSTORE ON FIRE AND COME BACK THE\nNEXT DAY TO SCRAPE SOME CHARCOAL\nOFF THE BURNT TIMBERS, USE THE\nCARDBOARD FROM THE DISCARDED\nREFRIGERATOR BOX I'VE BEEN\nCALLING HOME FOR THE WEEKEND,\nTHEN HARASS TOURISTS TO ETCH THE\nOFFENSIVE BOARDWALK CARICATURE\nOF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:\nMEANWHILE!"
    },
    "ll5DeZrejsM": {
        "begin": "2:02.7",
        "end": "2:52.7",
        "text": "YOU KNOW, FOLKS,\nIF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW\nI SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER\nTHERE,  COMBING THROUGH THE\nDAY'S BIG STORIES, SELECTING THE\nFINEST NEWS TENORS AND THE\nSILKIEST SOPRANOS.\nTHEN, I BRUSH UP ON THE WORKS OF\nCERVANTES AND FIND THE PERFECT\nSWEET SPOT BETWEEN DRAMA, HUMOR,\nAND OPERA TO COMPOSE FOR YOU THE\nTIMELESS AND SEDUCTIVE SPANISH\nZARZUELA THAT IS MY\nMONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS,\nI WAKE UP IN THE FREEZER OF A\nCOMBINATION TACO BELL PIZZA\nHUT ON THE EXPRESSWAY, AND I CUT A\nPAIR OF LEG HOLES INTO A POTATO\nSACK AND RACE BAREFOOT INTO THE\nCITY TO BREAK INTO AN ABANDONED\nDOLLAR STORE, WHERE I FASHION A\nPAIR OF CASTANETS FROM DEFECTIVE\nCHATTERING TEETH TOYS.\nTHEN I DOWN A JERRY CAN FULL OF\nRED BULL AND COUGH MEDICINE\nBEFORE STAGGERING INTO A PUBLIC\nPARK TO DISTURB TOURISTS WITH\nTHE DRIFTER'S FLAMENCO SHOWCASE\nOF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE!\""
    },
    "lzviJMlii7A": {
        "begin": "1:36.5",
        "end": "3:21.5",
        "text": "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU KNOW, IF YOU\nWATCH THIS SHOW, YOU KNOW I\nSPEND A LOT OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER\nTHERE, METICULOUSLY SIFTING\nTHROUGH THE DAILY NEWS\nDESERT, HARVESTING THE FINEST,\nMOST TOPICAL MINERAL SANDS--\nABOUT 65% SILICA, 10% FLUX\nOF SODIUM OXIDE, AND A\nSTABILIZER OF CALCIUM OXIDE--\nWHICH I THEN SMELT IN A\nHIGH-TEMPERATURE CALCERA FURNACE\nAT 1,200 TO 1,400 DEGREES\nCELSIUS, FUSING THEM INTO LIQUID\nGLASS, THEN CAREFULLY DROPPING\nMY FURNACE TEMPERATURE SO I CAN\nFOLD IN HAND-SELECTED CULLET AND\nCOBALT TO OBTAIN MY INTENDED\nCOLOR AND CREATE THE MOST\nPRISMATIC NEWS CRYSTALS, WHICH\nI THEN DELICATELY HANG ON A\nHAND-CRAFTED BALUSTER OF\nHEADLINES, ARRANGING THEM TO\nCATCH AND REFRACT, IN A GENTLE\nDANCE OF LIGHTS AND SHADOWS, THE\nMOST TOPICAL REFLECTIONS OF THE\nDAY, ADORNING THE ARRANGEMENT\nWITH ONE FINAL FINIAL OF QUIPS\nTO PRESENT TO YOU THE VENETIAN\nMURANO GLASS CHANDELIER THAT IS\nMY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES FOLKS, SOMETIMES,\nFOLKS, SOMETIMES, I JOLT AWAKE\nNAKED IN THE BACK BOOTH OF A\nLONG-ABANDONED COUNTY FAIR, I\nPULL ON SOME OVERALLS I STOLE\nOFF A SCARECROW, AND CLAW\nTHROUGH THE GROUNDS SCRAPING THE\nLEAVINGS OFF SOME DISUSED\nSPARKLERS, PICK THROUGH BROKEN\nCOKE BOTTLES AND BIRTHDAY\nCANDLES, BOIL OFF THE REMNANTS\nIN A DISCARDED TUB OF LAUNDRY\nDETERGENT TO EXTRACT THE\nBENZENE.\nTHEN, USING THE SHOELACES I TOOK\nOFF A HOBO SLEEPING UNDER\nTHE FERRIS WHEEL AND DENTAL\nFLOSS CURRENTLY IN USE BY SAID\nHOBO, I BIND THE CONGLOMERATE\nOF SHARDS AND ACCELERANT\nTOGETHER AND HOLD IT NEAR THE\nSPUTTERING SPARK PLUG OF AN\nOLD ICE CREAM TRUCK TO IGNITE\nTHE CHAOTIC CANDELABRA OF\nFLAMING NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE\"!"
    },
    "okJDGV6Jjmc": {
        "begin": "2:03.0",
        "end": "2:55.0",
        "text": "YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT\nOF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, PORING\nOVER THE DAY'S NEWSIEST, MOST\nTOPICAL NAUTICAL RECORDS TO\nDETERMINE THE ROUGH POSITIONS OF\nTHE DAY'S TRENDING SHIPWRECKS.\nTHEN I USE THE LATEST SONAR TECH\nTO LOCATE AND FIND THE\nORIENTATION OF THE FINEST\nSALVAGE SITE.\nTHEN MY TEAM OF CERTIFIED AND\nLICENSED COMEDY DIVERS DESCEND\nTO THE OCEAN FLOOR AND USE\nCUTTING EDGE UNDERWATER CAMERAS\nTO STITCH TOGETHER THE DETAILED\n3D-MODELED HISTORIC ATOSHA\nSHIPWRECK SITE OF SATIRICAL\nOBSERVATIONS THAT IS MY\nNIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS,\nI WAKE UP NAKED BY THE DOCKS\nCOVERED IN PIRATE TATTOOS, BLAST\nA STRING OF WHIPPETS, THEN\nSTAGGER INTO THE FESTERING\nHUDSON RIVER, WHERE I SLOWLY\nSINK THROUGH THE MURK UNTIL I\nIMPALE MYSELF ON THE RUSTY AXLE\nOF A SUNKEN TAXI IN THE\nTETANUS-LACED CRIME SCENE OF\nNEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT...\n\"MEANWHILE!\""
    },
    "pbR-kF0PjlA": {
        "begin": "1:09.0",
        "end": "2:43.0",
        "text": "WELL FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT\nOF MY TIME, ON THE SHOW, RIGHT OVER THERE,\nWANDERING THROUGH THE\nFARMERS' MARKET THAT IS TODAY'S\nBIGGEST STORIES, SQUEEZING THE\nFINEST NEWS RADISHES, THE RIPEST\nSTORY PEPPERS, SNIFFING THE MOST\nTOPICAL DATES, WHICH I THEN PAIR\nWITH FRA'MANI SOPPRESSATA, AND\nTHE MOST SUCCULENT HANDRAISED\nPATA NEGRA JAMON IBERICO, BACKED\nUP BY GENEROUS HELPINGS OF\nBEEMSTER GOUDA, AND A WEDGE OF\nBRILLAT-SAVARIN TRIPLE CREAM\nBRIE, THEN I ADD FORTNUM AND MASON\nAPRICOT AND FIG SPREADS WITH\nGRISSINI BREADSTICKS AND LA\nPANZANELLA CROCCANTINI, AND\nFINALLY LIBERAL SPRINKLINGS OF\nSAN SABA ELLIOT PECANS AND\nSICILIAN CASTEL-VETRANO OLIVES\nON A RAW CARRARA MARBLE SLAB TO\nLAY OUT FOR YOU THE SPECTACULAR\nGOURMET CHARCUTERIE BOARD THAT\nIS MY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES FOLKS, SOMETIMES, I AM HOSED AWAKE\nINSIDE AN EMPTY 6,000 GALLON\nDIESEL TANKER OFF OF I-24, WHERE I\nAM HIDING FROM A CULT THAT I\nSTARTED, THEN DASH, NAKED BEHIND\nA RECENTLY DEFUNCT QUIZNOS,\nWHERE I MUST WRESTLE A POSSUM\nFOR THE REMAINS OF A BAJA\nCHICKEN FOOTLONG, STAGGER INTO A\nMIDDLE SCHOOL REC. YARD AFTER\nFIGHTING A SEAGULL FOR THE LAST\nHAM CUBE IN A LUNCHABLES TRAY,\nPUNCH A RACCOON TO STEAL HIS\nPEANUT, THEN DUMP IT ALL INTO A\nHUBCAP I STRIPPED OFF AN\nABANDONED '76 CHEVY VEGA TO\nOFFER FOR YOU THE RAIL YARD BUFFET\nOF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:\nMEANWHILE!"
    },
    "pyhaU-_1Szk": {
        "begin": "2:48.0",
        "end": "4:31.0",
        "text": "YOU KNOW FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF\nTIME RIGHT OVER THERE, ISOLATING\nTHE BIGGEST, NEWSIEST STORIES\nOF THE DAY AND CONTAINING THEM\nIN THE MOST TOPICAL CIRCULAR\nTUNNEL, WITH A CIRCUMFERENCE OF\n26.7 KILOMETERS, AND A DEPTH\nRANGING FROM 50 TO 175 METERS.\nTHEN, I ADD TWO ADJACENT\nPARALLEL BEAM-LINES, WHICH\nTRAVEL IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS\nAROUND THE RING, INTERSECTING AT\nFOUR POINTS.\nI ADD 1,232 DIPOLE MAGNETS TO\nKEEP THE BEAMS IN THEIR CIRCULAR\nPATH, WHILE AN ADDITIONAL 392\nQUADRUPOLE MAGNETS ARE USED TO\nKEEP THE BEAMS FOCUSED, THEN\nI ADD STRONGER QUADRUPOLE\nMAGNETS CLOSE TO THE\nINTERSECTION POINTS IN ORDER TO\nMAXIMIZE THE CHANCES OF\nINTERACTION BETWEEN THE TWO BEAMS\nCROSS, ALL SO I CAN SMASH JOKE\nPROTONS AGAINST EACH OTHER AT\nNEAR THE SPEED OF LIGHT TO\nGENERATE THE HIGGS BOSON HEAVY\nCOMEDY PARTICLES THAT MAKE UP MY\nNIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, FOLKS, SOMETIMES \nSOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I WAKE UP IN AN\nABANDONED JUNKYARD, STRAPPED TO\nTHE CHASSIS OF WHAT USED TO BE A\nSCHOOL BUS.\nI GNAW MYSELF FREE OF MY\nRESTRAINTS AND CLIMB ATOP A HILL\nOF CRUSHED MAZDA MIATAS TO UTTER\nA CALL THAT CAN BE HEARD ONLY BY\nTHOSE IN THE MIDST OF A\nLIFE-CHANGING PEYOTE TRIP.\nWITH MY FREAKS GATHERED AROUND ME,\nHOTWIRE AS MANY BURNT-OUT\n'91 BUICK LESABRES AS WE CAN\nFIND TO ANIMATE A FLEET OF\nFURY-ROAD-WORTHY LEMONS,\nTHEN ROLL THEM TO THE ABANDONED\nSUBWAY STATION BELOW CITY HALL,\nWHERE I LAUNCH THEM HEAD ON AT\nTOP SPEED IN THE UNREGULATED\nHOTWHEELS COLOSSAL CRASH TRACK\nOF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:\nMEANWHILE!"
    },
    "q8zlh8XKfLc": {
        "begin": "1:00.0",
        "end": "1:54.0",
        "text": "FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I\nSPEND MOST OF MY TIME, RIGHT\nOVER THERE, WITH MY EARS, MY MIND,\nAND MY HEART OPEN TO THE DAY'S\nBIGGEST STORIES, AUDITIONING AND\nSELECTING ONLY THE MOST TOPICAL\nNEWS-OBOES, THE MOST RELEVANT\nAND LILTING VIOLAS, ROUNDING IT\nOUT WITH SOME NOBLE FRENCH\nHORNS, AND INSOUCIANT\nBASSOONS, THEN COMPOSING AND\nARRANGING THE NEWSIEST, MOST\nUPLIFTING YET BITTERSWEET\nRONDOS, ALLEGROS, SCHERZOS, AND\nSONATAS TO PRESENT TO YOU THE\nTIMELESSLY MOVING YET\nINFORMATIVE POST-MODERN OPUS\nNUMBER ONE SYMPHONY THAT IS MY\nMONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES FOLKS, I WAKE UP AT THE\nWHEEL OF A STOLEN CEMENT TRUCK,\nSNORT ANOTHER RAIL OF KETAMINE\nAND BATH SALTS, THEN I STRIP\nDOWN AND SCAMPER THROUGH A\nCEMETERY TRAPPING RATS UNDER\nRUSTY COFFEE CANS.\nAFTER AN IMPASSIONED SPEECH TO THEM\nABOUT THEIR NEED\nTO HELP ME SAVE AN OLD THEATER, THEY\nACCOMPANY ME ON A RAID TO A\nPRESCHOOL MUSIC ROOM TO STEAL\nITS FLUTES, RECORDERS, AND\nKAZOOS, WHERE I CONDUCT THE\nFUGITIVE VERMIN PHILHARMONIC OF\nNEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:\nMEANWHILE!\n"
    },
    "qEY5SUevhgU": {
        "begin": "1:59.0",
        "end": "3:07.0",
        "text": "FOLKS, IF YOU\nWATCH THIS SHOW, YOU KNOW I\nSPEND MUCH OF MY TIME,\nRIGHT OVER THERE, PLANTING AND\nGROWING THE DAY'S BIGGEST NEWS\nIN A PARCELED TERROIR AT\nPRECISELY 80 METERS, ON A\nNORTH-FACING SLOPE, WITH JUST\nTHE RIGHT MICROCLIMATE, THEN\nHAND-PICKING ONLY THE RIPEST,\nMOST TOPICAL BOTRYTIS-PRUNED\nSTORY GRAPES.\nAFTER THREE PRESSINGS, I THEN\nCAREFULLY BARREL-AGE THEIR\nNOBLE-ROTTED NECTAR FOR 30\nMONTHS EXCLUSIVELY IN NEW OAK BARRELS TO\nBRING OUT THE AROMAS OF TROPICAL\nFRUITS, HONEYED PEARS, AND\nROASTED NUTS IN THE CHATEAU\nD'YQUEM SAUTERNES THAT IS MY\nNIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS,\nI WAKE UP IN A BULGARIAN PRISON,\nCONVICTED OF WHAT MY NON-ENGLISH\nSPEAKING, COURT-APPOINTED LAWYER\nONLY CALLS \"ANIMAL WRONGS.\"\nI TRADE THE CIGARETTES I WON IN\nA BARE-KNUCKLE MATCH WITH A\nGUARD FOR SOME FIG MARMALADE,\nAPPLE CORES, AND DISCARDED\nKETCHUP PACKETS, TOSS IT ALL IN\nTHE PLASTIC BAG I STOLE OFF A\nCELLMATE DRAGOMIR'S FOOT WHILE\nHE SLEPT, LEAVE IT UNDER A\nFERMENTING PIPE\nOVERNIGHT, TO SERVE UP THE\nSOUR-MASHED GOON PLONK OF NEWS\nTHAT IS MY SEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE!\""
    },
    "r7NnpAGIkEY": {
        "begin": "1:46.5",
        "end": "2:32.5",
        "text": "AND, YOU KNOW,\nFOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME ON THIS SHOW, RIGHT\nOVER THERE, CAREFULLY HARVESTING\nTHE HIGHEST-QUALITY ORGANIC ACAI\nNEWS BERRIES, PUTTING THEM INTO\nMY CURRENT EVENTS BLENDER, THEN\nPULSING ON HIGH UNTIL THEY'VE\nBECOME THE SMOOTH PURPLE PUREE OF\nSTORIES TO BE PILED WITH\nGRANOLA, CHIA SEEDS, AND SLICED\nJOKE BANANA, TO MAKE THE\nHIGH-PRICED, ARTISANAL SMOOTHIE\nBOWL OF NEWS THAT IS MY\nMONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES\nFOLKS, I LIKE TO SCROUNGE\nTOGETHER SOME EXPIRED KALE FROM\nTHE BACK OF THE FRIDGE, MIX IT\nWITH THE FERMENTING ORANGE\nSLICES LEFT IN THE BACK SEAT\nAFTER LAST WEEK'S LITTLE LEAGUE\nGAME, AND AN APPLE CORE I FOUND\nINSIDE A COFFEE CUP, THEN\nPULVERIZE IT ALL IN A LEAKY\nNUTRI-BULLET TO MAKE THE PRISON\nTOILET GREEN JUICE OF NEWS THAT\nIS MY SEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE!\""
    },
    "sKCeqiWA-gQ": {
        "begin": "0:43.5",
        "end": "1:36.5",
        "text": "FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME\nRIGHT OVER THERE, NIGHT AFTER NIGHT, COMBING\nTHROUGH THE DAY'S NEWS,\nCAREFULLY SELECTING THE MOST\nTOPICAL, FRAGRANT HERBS AND\nJOKE-RICH ALLIUM, DELICATELY\nSTIRRING THEM INTO A SATIRICAL\nSTOCK, BRINGING THE CONCOCTION\nTO A BREAKING NEWS BOIL BEFORE\nPAINSTAKINGLY EDITING AWAY THE\nSCRAPS, LEAVING ONLY THE PUREST,\nNUTRIENT-RICH CONSOMME OF COMEDY\nTHAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, I SWEAT MYSELF\nAWAKE INSIDE A DEFLATED BOUNCY\nCASTLE AT A DEFUNCT AMUSEMENT\nPARK, BREAK INTO A COMBINATION\nGAS STATION PIZZA HUT WHERE I\nTHROW TOGETHER WHATEVER OLD HOT\nDOGS AND REPURPOSED CHEESE\nPRODUCT I CAN GET MY CHAPPED AND\nCRACKING HANDS ON.\nAND THERE, BY THE CRUEL LIGHT OF\nA PIZZA WARMING DRAWER, I DROWN\nTHE MIXTURE IN A CAN OF\nDISCONTINUED SURGE FROM 2002\nBEFORE STRAINING IT THROUGH THE\nGREASE-SOILED BEARD NET TO\nCREATE THE FESTERING MOP BUCKET\nSOUR MASH OF NEWS THAT IS MY\nSEGMENT:\nMEANWHILE!"
    },
    "tSdWz6CvpIc": {
        "begin": "1:50.0",
        "end": "2:39.0",
        "text": "FOLKS, YOU KNOW, IF YOU WATCH\nTHE SHOW, YOU KNOW I SPEND A\nLOT OF MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE,\nCAREFULLY WELDING TOGETHER THE\nDAY'S TOP STORIES, FORGED FROM\nTHE FINEST NEWS METALS, WIRING\nIN THE MOST EFFICIENT, HIGH-\nSPEED ENGINE.\nTHEN I COMBINE THE MOST TOPICAL\nTITANIUM ACCENTS WITH ITALIAN\nCURRENT-EVENTS CRAFTSMANSHIP TO\nCREATE THE BESPOKE TRIUMPH\nMOTORCYCLE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES FOLKS,\nAFTER STANDING TOO LONG OVER AN\nEPHEDRINE BARREL FIRE, I STUMBLE\nINTO A DEFUNCT BODY SHOP, SLAP A\nHALF-EMPTY CANISTER OF PROPANE\nONTO A STOLEN HUFFY, WRAP IT IN\nNEWSPAPER AND BITS OF CAUTION\nTAPE THAT I SWIPED FROM A\nSTILL-ACTIVE CRIME SCENE, AND\nHOOK IT UP TO AN OLD MILK JUG\nFULL OF NITROUS I STOLE FROM A\nBLACK MARKET ORTHODONTIST, IN\nORDER TO MAKE THE FLAMING DEATH\nROCKET OF NEWS THAT IS MY\nSEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE!\""
    },
    "thFDua8MF_w": {
        "begin": "1:21.5",
        "end": "2:18.5",
        "text": "FOLKS, I SPEND A\nLOT OF TIME\nRIGHT OVER THERE, COMBING\nTHROUGH THE DAY'S NEWS AND\nCAREFULLY SELECTING THE MOST\nPRISTINE OPALESCENT GLASS\nSTORIES, ORNATELY FUSING THE\nPIECES USING ONLY THE MOST\nTOPICAL COPPER WIRE AND LEAD\nCASING BEFORE COLORING THEM WITH\nTHE MOST PIGMENT-RICH JOKES\nAVAILABLE TO CONSTRUCT FOR YOU AND YOU ALONE\nTHE ELEGANT STAINED-GLASS\nTIFFANY DOME THAT IS MY NIGHTLY\nMONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES FOLKS, I JOLT AWAKE\nBEHIND THE WHEEL OF A '79 BUICK\nREGAL LOWRIDER WHILE DOING\nDONUTS IN THE PARKING LOT OF A\nBOARDED UP JOANNE FABRICS, WHEN\nI CLIP A BARREL FIRE AND I'M\nTHROWN FROM THE CAR INTO THE\nDUMPSTERS.\nTHERE, I RUMMAGE THROUGH THE\nBITS OF BROKEN FANTA BOTTLES,\nAND GLUE THEM TOGETHER WITH\nSTILL-WARM CHEWING GUM, AND\nSTAIN THEM WITH WHATEVER\nREMNANTS I CAN SCRAPE FROM OLD\nKETCHUP AND FUN-DIP PACKETS.\nTHEN I DOUSE MY PANTS IN\nKEROSENE AND LET HER BLAZE TO\nPROJECT THE DEMENTED NIGHTMARE\nKALEIDOSCOPE OF NEWS THAT IS MY\nSEGMENT:\nMEANWHILE"
    },
    "u9oMwS3I12s": {
        "begin": "0:53.0",
        "end": "1:47.0",
        "text": "FOLKS, YOU KNOW, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW I SPEND A LOT OF\nMY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE,\nWORKING THE OLD MIRTH KILN,\nMELTING DOWN THE DAY'S MOST\nIMPORTANT GOLDEN STORY INGOTS\nTO MAKE AN ORNATE SET OF CUSTOM\nNEWS VAMBRACES.\nTHEN CARVE A MOULDED CUIRASS\nINTO THE MOST TOPICAL\nANIMAL-THEMED CHEST PLATE THAT I\nDECORATE WITH FINE FILIGREE AND\nORNATE PRE-COLUMBIAN PATTERNS TO\nCREATE THE BESPOKE SET OF GOLD\nMUISCA ARMOR THAT IS MY\nMONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES,\nFOLKS, I WAKE UP IN THE BASEMENT\nOF A DERELICT ROW HOUSE DURING A\nFULL MOON, RIFLE THROUGH A\nDISCARDED BOX OF ELBOW PASTA AND\nSTRING SOME NOODLES TOGETHER\nINTO CRUDE SHIN GUARDS WITH\nCOPPER WIRE I STRIPPED OUT OF\nTHE FUNERAL HOME I ROBBED\nEARLIER.\nTHEN, I FASHION A HAT BY\nSTAPLING OLD NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS\nTO A BIKE HELMET AND WRAP MYSELF\nIN A TARP I SWIPED FROM THE\nRETIREMENT HOME'S HOT TUB TO\nFROLIC BEFORE YOU IN THE\nMADMAN'S HAZMAT SUIT OF NEWS\nTHAT IS MY SEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE!\""
    },
    "z2dPp5yM-NA": {
        "begin": "1:34.3",
        "end": "2:34.3",
        "text": "YOU KNOW, FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH\nTHIS SHOW, AND I HOPE YOU DO...\nTHEN YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME\nRIGHT OVER THERE, CAREFULLY\nUNWRAPPING THE DAY'S NEWS,\nPLACING THE FINEST, MOST TOPICAL\nORNAMENTS UPON THE HAND-CUT\nDOUGLAS FIR OF THE DAY'S TOP\nSTORIES, SPRINKLING\nBIODEGRADABLE TINSEL ON THE\nBOUGHS WITH PRECISION AND\nDECADES OF TRAINING THAT COMES\nACROSS AS EFFORTLESS, CHECKING\nEACH JOKE BULB FOR THE OPTIMAL\nTWINKLE, AND FINALLY TOPPING IT\nOFF WITH A FAMILY HEIRLOOM STAR\nTO CREATE THE MAGICAL CHRISTMAS\nMEMORY THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES,\nI BREAK INTO A HOME DEPOT, HUFF\nA BOTTLE OF GOO GONE, STEAL A\nPALLET OF TWO BY FOURS, A PILE\nOF RUSTY NAILS, A BUCKET OF\nDISCONTINUED FAUCET PARTS, SLAP\nTHEM TOGETHER WITH A RECEIPT PAPER\nAND INDUSTRIAL ADHESIVE, PUT IT\nOUTSIDE THE LIVING ROOM WINDOW\nOF THE RETIREMENT HOME I WAS\nKICKED OUT OF FOR A VERY GOOD\nREASON, AND THROW IN A COUPLE OF\nMANNEQUINS STOLEN FROM A BURNED\nOUT FOREVER 21 TO CREATE THE\nHELLSCAPE CRECHE OF NEWS THAT IS\nMY SEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE\"!"
    },
    "zFRXCwdPD-M": {
        "begin": "1:31.6",
        "end": "2:10.6",
        "text": "YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT\nOF MY TIME ON THE SHOW RIGHT OVER THERE PRECISELY\nMEASURING THE NEWS' INSEAM,\nSELECTING THE FINEST, MOST\nTOPICAL IMPORTED MERINO STORY\nWOOL, THEN HAND-STITCHING IT\nWITH JOKES TO CREATE FOR YOU THE\nBESPOKE, DOUBLE-BREASTED SAVILE\nROW CURRENT EVENT SUIT THAT IS\nMY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES,\nI LIKE TO GATHER UP SOME USED\nBURLAP FROM BEHIND THE\nMEAT-PACKING PLANT, DRAPE IT\nOVER AN ABANDONED MANNEQUIN AT\nOLD MAN JENKINS' BURNED-DOWN\nDRESS FACTORY, AND SEW IT\nTOGETHER WITH SHOESTRINGS AND A\nSTAPLE GUN, TO CREATE FOR YOU\nTHE HAUNTED POTATO-SACK\nSCARECROW OF NEWS THAT IS MY\nSEGMENT:\n\"MEANWHILE!\""
    },
    "zIS1lp9CS-E": {
        "begin": "1:16.5",
        "end": "2:04.5",
        "text": "FOLKS, I SPEND A\nLOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE,\nSELECTING THE FINEST GRAINS OF\nNEWS, HAND SIFTING THROUGH\nBARRELS OF STEELCUT JOKE OATS,\nSELECTING THE RIPEST SEASONAL\nSTORY BERRIES, AND\nHOME-FERMENTING MACROBIOTIC\nALMOND MILK INTO THE UPSCALE ORGANIC\nYOGURT TO LOVINGLY FOLD TOGETHER\nTHE BUZZWORTHY BREAKFAST PARFAIT\nTHAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.\nBUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I SWEAT MYSELF\nAWAKE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE\nNIGHT, CREEP OUT TO AN ABANDONED\nSCHOOLYARD, SCRAPE A BUNCH OF\nSPILLED CHEERIOS AND DISCARDED\nGOGURT WRAPPERS INTO A BIG GULP\nTRAVEL MUG I WON IN THE GREAT\nTRUCKER-DRIFTER WARS OF 2019,\nADD SOME FERMENTED CRABAPPLES\nFROM BEHIND THE SWING SET, AND\nCHUG BACK THE FETID PRISON\nPORRIDGE OF NEWS THAT IS MY\nSEGMENT:\nMEANWHILE!"
    }
}